Reduced to Love.

the anticipation of coming home

2010-05-28T09:48:00.000-07:00

I am at the end of this insane adventure year... What do I do now?

How do I begin to process what has happened to me this year, in the past 13 months?

How do I begin to figure out the ways I've changed and why and how?

How to I make these memories of the most incredible year of my life last forever?

How do I say good-bye?

How do I say hello again, to what I left behind a year ago?

What if what I left behind no longer fits me?

My heart is aching for just one more adventure, just a little more time to soak in everything wonderful here.

These last days must be filled with love and happiness, for what I had here and this year and for what I am going home to. For although I am leaving this place and these people and these experiences, I am about to go home to that place and those people who I left behind so long ago, back when I was who I used to be.

I have changed so much this year. I have lived and laughed and cried and been broken, been healed and put back together, walked and run, and slept and ate, loved and been loved. I have met people who have changed my life forever. How can I incorporate all of that into my life back home. I am not the same and nor shall my life back home be the same when I return.

This will certainly be another adventure. One that I have never been more nervous for. And one that I am quite excited to embark on :)

[something goes here]

2010-03-04T14:30:00.000-08:00

The farther along in this journey I get, the more I look back and realize what a journey it is and how far I've come and how far I've still yet to go.

My life is a constant adventure and experiment. The thought of going home in a few months, to stay for a while, leaves me with a bit of sadness that my "crazy year" is drawing to a close. Have I done all I was meant to? Am I the person I should be? Have I changed enough? Have I learned enough? Have I loved enough? Have I lived enough?

Here's what's happened to me thus far:
I lived in my first intentional living community.
I learned of my passion for the city streets and the ways you meet God there.
I learned ways to live out my faith.
I learned how to love someone without having to like them.
I pray out loud with my whole heart, even though I know it's not perfect and all that it could be.
I have several new families whom I love very much.
I lived outside my comfort zone for essentially this entire year.
I lived in 3 very unique, very diverse, very special, and very different than my own, cultures this year.
I prayed to and praised God for blessings and burdens this year.
I laughed until I cried.
I wept until I couldn't breathe.
I learned to communicate in new ways.
I fell in love.
I learned how to build relationships with people.
I became a bit wiser.
I was mugged.
I traveled alone and spent time by myself and survived in a foreign country.
I lived out what I've been passionate about for so long.
I became lost.
I had my heart broken.
I learned what friendship is.
I learned a little Kiswahili.
I tried new things like nobody's business.
I survived the year as a vegetarian.
I lost old friendships and made new ones.
I learned and lived the true meaning of being 'burnt-out.'
I understand things better.
I understand the world better.
I have written and received letters from all over the world.
I learned that true happiness comes from feeling deep sadness and that vast emptiness comes from incredible joy-and that those two things are dependent upon one another.
I learned what it means to give of yourself unto others.
I learned the meaning of love.
I learned that I do want to get married and have children one day (in the very distant future).
I learned the importance of intentional living.
I learned which things are truly important to me and for me to have in my life.
I changed.
I no longer know who I am, exactly.
I am learning to live with the fear that brings.
I am ready to go home, but not ready for the adventure to end or to return to my old life.
I am afraid that nothing will have changed as I have.

I.... have been through so much.

Surfing in the R.S.A.! [Republic of South Africa]

2010-02-08T05:01:00.000-08:00

Knarley.

I went surfing this morning. The internet guy who came to set up our computers offered to Megan, Katie, Maggie, and I out. He has some extra boards and so this morning was my first time surfing! Megan and Maggie went this weekend with him while I was at the elephant park...

It was so much fun! He basically strapped my board to my ankle and sent me out there and told me to learn to sit on my board. And, after about an hour and a half of getting up and flipping over or falling off, I finally got it! I can now sit on the surfboard in the water, calm or waves, and have my center of gravity which helps when you actually want to stand up :) I then rode a few waves (with the help of the guy who took us) all the way to shore and that was FUN! I can't wait to go again... By the end of this trip I'll be a pro. Don't even worry about it.

Dude.

Addo Elephant Park

2010-02-07T03:10:00.000-08:00

The day began around 5:00 am where I received a knock on my window from Megan (while I was still in my underwear) telling me that she, Katie, and Gjiro wouldn't be able to make it to the park that day because Katie and Gjiro were mugged the night before and although they were completely fine, weren't quite up to going to the park. Thus Haley, Marco, Daniel, and I all piled into a cab at 6 am and drove to the airport where we waited for an hour for the car rental places to open (we were told they opened at 6...). We then priced the different cars and ended up finding a great deal for an entire day R256 and 200km of driving free before you had to pay mileage. Not bad. I did not however, especially at that hour of the day, enjoy the man that worked there being sarcastic and joking with me... Grrr...

Finally we were in the car on our way. Marco was driving and didn't know any of the rules of the road here and had never driven on this side before so I sat in the front to key him in. Haley and Daniel made up the laughing audience in the back and I swear we almost died more than once trying to get out of the city.

When we got out past the townships, Marco and I switched and I drove and refreshed my memory on how to drive a manual. I did quite well! And I had tons of fun. It was great to just zoom along the beautiful countryside here and relax in the sunshine with the window down. Haven't done that in forever... :)

We got the park, got in for only R30 (about $4 USD) and then we were off. The first animal we saw was a cute little tortoise on the side of the road, then a yellow mongoose. We saw hartebeests, kudus, warthogs, ostriches, and, of course, elephants during the day. We mostly drove through the beautiful scenery and enjoyed the breathtaking views and the sunshine. Got some amazing pictures. In one instance, we saw some elephants down this rough road which had a "do not enter" sign that we conveniently didn't see and they were walking down it towards us on the main road and so we did what normal college students would do and took it and drove down to just in front of them, turned ourselves around so we could make a quick getaway if needed and watched them walk closer and closer to us. They got about 10 feet away from us before we gunned it out of there-not because it was angry or charging us but because we didn't want it to like step on the car haha... It was amazing!

We ended the day on the banks of the Sunday river. Haley and Marco went swimming and climbed some sand dunes and Daniel and I sat on the dock and basked in the sun with some beers. It was so relaxing! When Hales and Marco got back, we all took a spontaneous nap on the dock which left my cheeks and nose a bit rosy and burnt :) Totally worth it. After we woke up from some knurly waves crashing into our dock, we decided to head home as some clouds had rolled in. We piled back in the car, drove home, dropped off the car, and took a taxi back to our place.

I then jumped in the shower, got dressed and a group of us went out to dinner where I had butternut squash ravioli (so good) and my favorite cocktail :) It was great to have a big group-all talking and laughing. I enjoy the people here so much!

Thus the day was great. It was nice to have the freedom that comes with having a car that I've been missing while in Kenya and since being here. It was incredible to feel the sun on my face all day and the wind in my hair and be with people who made me laugh. To be in such a beautiful place and to see such wonders. It's really incredible how blessed I am!

More later :)

People[s]

2010-02-07T02:39:00.000-08:00

I have so many new people in my life that consume my time, days, and thoughts-so strange that it happens so quickly isn't it? I have found that I have quite the family here-one that is eccentric and fun and one that I love very much.

Here are the newest additions to my life.

Maggie: Is my wonderful roommate that I love so much. She and I were on staff together as RAs last year at CSB and now we are sharing this lovely two bedroom flat with each other. She is hilarious and cute and quirky and we are doing quite well as roomies so far (at least I think so). She's considerate and fun and a great listener and I'm lucky to be living with her and to be sharing this amazing experience with her.

Haley: Another fellow CSB-er. She was one of my best friends back home and is here with me in South Africa, living in flat 12 with a wonderful Dutch student here for 4 years named Lim. She's a bit of a chill presence here which has been really great. She brings a different perspective which is refreshing and fun. She loves life and the sparkle in her eyes definitely gets rid of any doubt about it. :)

Hega and Stina: Our next-door neighbors. They are both from Norway. Hega is brunette and really smart and sweet in a way that you wouldn't expect considering the tribal symbol tattooed on her bicep. She's really helpful and has a go-getter attitude and great to go out with and laugh with. Stina is a short and blonde and looks like the toughest girl on the planet-a stern face and hard eyes. She's laid back and a bit quieter and plays the cool angle well. But she is so much fun and also not what you would expect. She's sweet and funny and sarcastic and has great one-liners.

Alex and Jake: Both are extremely tall boys from Iowa who love nothing more than to chill out and drink beer and to get "hella faded" as we coined the term. They're sweethearts though and are a lot of fun to hang with.

Megan: Also from Iowa and our third roommate. She's a bombshell redhead with gorgeous eyes and a laugh that could kill Satan. She's hilarious and is someone that can make me laugh like I haven't in a long time. She's a lot of fun and a great listener and I love being in the kitchen cooking with her. Although she's a bit awkward when she meets people (ahemapplejuiceahem) she's a great friend that I"m sure will last beyond South Africa.

Katie: The funniest little German girl. She is blonde and small and very very quiet-you can forget about her sometimes because she won't make a peep! And when she does speak, she's so softspoken and sweet and considerate that you have to melt when you see her. But then she does things like have a contra-man and you're just shocked and laughing because it's coming from the last person you thought it would. She's amazing and also Megan's roommate.

Jonny and Jane: Both are from Northern Ireland. They have the best accents and are so much fun and so interesting to talk to. Jonny has also been to Kenya twice so that's been fun to talk to him about and when I first met him, he was reading Irresistable Revolution by Shane Claiborne. Way cool guy and a lot of fun to hang out with. He sure did sweep me off my feet at South African jazz the other night! And Jane is funny. She's a short, curly-haired, pseudo-dark red head-almost a wine color hair. She smokes and looks super cute in skirts and long necklaces all the time and is a hoot to talk to. She's so much fun and gushes about gossip and boys and I love her to death already.

Patrick and the swedish boys: All from Sweden, they are impressed with the low prices of alcohol here and thus take full advantage all the time since apparently alcohol is so expensive in Sweden. Last night Patrick came home in a cab when I was outside with some other people in front of our place and we had to carry him inside.... He's also very sweet though and quite a deep person when he's not intoxicated or thinking about becoming intoxicated. The other Swedish guys are similar but not so bad and are easy on the eyes as well :)

Marco: He is a sweetheart blunt guy from Germany that is here to learn English so naturally, some of our conversations have been quite funny and memorable. I spend quite a lot of time with him talking about life, learning English and about Germany and walking arm in arm and laughing. He's very blunt and calls it like he sees it with no qualms or embarrassment. He makes me laugh extremely hard and some of his 'isms' have caught on around here and are now part of my normal vocabulary. Marco!

The California girls: Kelleigh, Jen, Beam, Loretta, Alena, Ashley... All from different places around CA and stick together pretty well but are great about branching out and getting to know other people. They are all gorgeous girls and super sweet and lots of fun to talk to and hang out with. Not to mention they are quite fit and do yoga and exercises in the courtyard of the Bantry. Ladies night with them is sure to be a good time!

Daniel: Also from California, we have San Francisco in common which was cool to find out upon talking to him. He's also an eccentric character. He has shoulder length, straight black hair with a long braid running down his chest. His 'style' is different and he plays life off like he doesn't care and that he's just cooler than everyone else. He does his own thing and calls his own shots for sure. He was very intimidating the first time I met him but now he's taken on a bit of a brother role as he pops in and out and eats my food. He's really fun to get to know and talk to and also, constantly surprises me.

Sebastian: Another Swede. He's a bit different from the beer-guzzling other Swedes that occupy the other side of the hallway. His accent is adorable and his English is great but since Swedish is spoken at the front of the mouth (or so I hear) he has a bit of a lisp that's really cute. He's got a hilarious personality and can always make the room burst out laughing. He is of the opinion that the Swedish are better than everyone else (which seems to be a theme of many countries represented here haha) and calls everything I do "so American" while I refer to his manurisms as "so Swedish." He's great and I love hanging out with him.

Henning: Also from Germany and speaks better English than Marco. He's gorgeous and a complete sweetheart. He's up for anything all the time and is really laid back unless it comes to doing something or waiting for something to happen-then he's a bit more on the ball. He's really considerate though and has a great memory. He's the kind of person that opens the car door for a girl and then shuts it after her and makes sure she's always ahead and safe. It's nice to have someone like that to hang out with. Him and Sebastian make great roommates and are so funny together-a bit like the odd couple... :)

Simon: Yet another German. He's gorgeous and he knows it completely. He's a ladies man and isn't shy about letting people know exactly that. He's taken to the constantly drunk Iowa boys quite a bit and they can easily be spotted as a threesome out on the town most nights. He's also sweet although he comes off sometimes as if he hasn't got a clue and he's just a sweetheart.

There are so many more people that live in the Bantry and also some that don't live in the Bantry that I could go on and on about. However, that's enough for now-just a taste of the fun I'm having and the new people in my life that I already love so much :)

Floating through Paradise

2010-02-03T22:11:00.001-08:00

After two weeks, I still cannot believe that this is actually my life for the next six months. Surrounded by newly made friends from all over the world, under a breathtakingly blue, sunshine-filled, sky and with the waves constantly crashing only a block away, I’ve discovered these past two weeks that I am definitely in paradise. It doesn’t help that I have had the last two weeks to become adjusted without the responsibilities of classes and this concept of homework I keep hearing about. Thus, my skin is dark and beautiful, the bags under my eyes have disappeared, replaced by crinkles at the corners caused by constant laughter and smiling ☺, and any knots or stress in my shoulders has melted away. I’ve managed to make a bit of a dent in the stack of books I brought with me as well as well as cook up some mouth-watering meals for friends, make my way through several bottles of delicious South African wine, and collect a heap of incredible seashells along the beach.

Jealous? Ha, I would be too.

More about life here. I live in a place called the Bantry-about an hours walk from the actual NMMU campus, but only about a 10-15 min combie (taxi) ride away. I’m looking into buying a bike to save time and money and to still get my exercise in and be outside. The Bantry is an apartment, or flat, complex and people from the U.S., Sweden, Germany, Ireland, Norway, etc live here. All international students of course. I live in a 2 bedroom flat with Maggie, a good friend from CSB also here with me. We have one of the most spacious living rooms in the building making our room a hotspot for gatherings and hanging out-tiring at times but we love having people here. We have a bathroom with a tub that’s great for bubble baths, and a tiny kitchen (the only thing that could be improved I think) but it works for us. We’ve developed quite the crowd of friends and family here already and the people are all so much fun and so interesting-I’ve been having a blast getting to know everyone. It’s been quite a contrast to Kenya however. Although I’m not with the CSB/SJU program, I’m still in quite the bubble, separated and secluded from the culture living here, whereas in Kenya I was living with the locals with no other “Westerners” to keep me from the culture. Getting to learn about all the different cultures of the people here has been really fun and interesting however. It’s hard to combat the stereotype of the ‘international student’ that a lot of locals seem to hold though-that they’re just here to party and hang out for the semester or year and that they aren’t quite interested in learning about the culture so much. I’m working on it however-excited to have classes starting up that will allow me to meet South African students.

The Bantry is about a block away from the beach. It’s a beautiful bay we’re in but quite windy at times (awkward if you’re wearing a skirt or dress…) a lovely path runs along the stretch of beach most of the way to school. The main road runs parallel to the beach and pretty much everything I could possibly need or want is along that road-called Humewood road. We’re surrounded by sweet restaurants and clubs and pubs. Sunday night we had dinner at this restaurant that had an incredible view of the ocean as we sat outside on the deck and watched the sun go down sipping various cocktails and chatting and laughing. Then we went downstairs to a restaurant/club and danced the night away to a live South African jazz band, waves crashing just across the street. It was, I think, the most fun I’ve had since I’ve been here. A couple nights before that, I went out with a few guys because the girls just wanted to stay in to an awesome bar with a chill atmosphere complete with couches to hang out on in one corner, hookahs, and a dance floor and fun music on the other side of the place. It was so much fun, just me, 2 German guys, and 1 Swede. Talk about laughing…. Haha.

However, school began yesterday and I am here for that so the ‘living it up’ part is has slowed down. To start, I am so impressed with the overall organization and ability to get things done here. In Kenya, it took me weeks to get some of the things done here that I’ve gotten done in 10 min. It’s amazing. Registration was like a game-we had to go around to some different offices and get a stamp on a sheet of paper saying we had everything worked out and at the end we got a prize-a free t-shirt and a bag! How fun is that?!? Haha, there’s a bit of disarray at the schedule of classes, but they are, in fact, taking place-I have two this afternoon. By next week I’m expecting smooth sailing. Unfortunately since most of the people here haven’t had the experience in Kenya that I had, they are a bit uptight over how everything is working out whereas I’m relaxing and sitting back, knowing that this is still Africa and that things just happen differently here-chill out. ☺ I believe, if my schedule stays as is, that I’m in class only 3 days a week (hopefully) which leaves me plenty of time to get homework done, relax, and travel. Something I really regret not doing or having time for in Kenya. I’m taking these classes: Intro to Xhosa Culture, Social and Environmental Issues, Post-Apartheid South Africa, Contemporary Politics and Policy in South Africa, Photojournalism, and Community Service Learning. I’m really excited for all of them.

Having other people around-aka international students-to go through the experience with has been a blessing too. I don’t feel alone at all here-everyone else is going through exactly the same thing and we’re figuring everything out together and everyone is so nice and willing to share knowledge and experiences. So much different from Kenya where Chris and I had no support system other than each other and had no one to ask who knew exactly what we wanted or needed. Here, you can ask people where they found their sheets, how to get to the mall, which restaurants they’ve tried, where they got their hummous, and everything else you could possibly want to know. There’s always someone up for everything-the beach, walking, cooking, going out to eat or out to the bar, and everyone is willing to let you tag along.

Most of my nights have consisted of cooking delicious things with friends. So far I’ve made spaghetti sauce, baked potato soup, meatloaf (which I didn’t eat), mashed potatoes, squash, lots of veggies and delicious sandwiches, squash soup, fruit pizza, cake, fruit salad, chips, ugali, spinach, and the list goes on and on…. It’s been amazing! The food is eaten by candlelight usually and a glass of wine and then as people smell what’s cooking, thankfully after most of the food is gone (haha) they wander down and inside and take a seat and we usually end up talking and hanging out until bedtime. It’s been a a blast. I’ll put up some pictures as soon as I can.

Well, I have class in an hour and I still have to grab some lunch so I’m signing off for now. I’ll be better about updating hopefully once I get more into a routine but for now, know that I’m in paradise and having the time of my life. ☺

[Maine]iacs and other such adventures at home

2010-01-04T11:12:00.000-08:00

Hello from the lovely U.S.

It's been quite a whirlwind few weeks back. So different from the whirlwind several MONTHS that I've had.

I said a tearful goodbye to the two cars full of loved ones that accompanied me to the airport back in Kenya. I cried all the way through baggage-weighing, checking in, the last look at Chris and Sister Theresita standing in the window watching to make sure I was okay, the visa people, and the wait for my plane. I finished crying half way to Amsterdam. Although I was unbelievably excited to return home and that was what had kept me going the last few weeks in Kenya, I hadn't really realized that although I was returning to one family, I was also leaving one behind. One that I loved very much. I am thankful that I get to spend two days in Nairobi with this family before continuing on to South Africa.

I landed in Minneapolis and was shocked at the billowing, blowing snow that covered the world outside the small plane window. I decided that I LOVED it. I made it through customs without a hitch and although my checked bags were without my cell phone when I finally got them, I did get them. One cell phone down compared to the infinite ones that Chris lost or broke is okay with me! :) I ran into my mother's waiting arms and raced out to the car to see my dad. We threw my baggage in the trunk and were on our way-with a quick stop at Panera of course to have a bagel and the most wonderful soup... YUM!

I rested for a few days and then went up to campus to spend the last weekend of the semester with all of the lovely CSB/SJU-ers that I missed so much. I particularly enjoyed people's reactions when they saw me. Almost an unrecognition, then a slow dawning of who I was, that I wasn't supposed to be there, and that they were very excited to see me. It was fun. Lots of catching up, coffee, meals, laughing, and hugging. I also especially enjoyed being back inside the monastery again. Although I loved the Franciscans, nothing can compare to the Benedictines. I felt peace instantly warm my heart as their spirit filled me as soon as I set foot in the chapel. Mmmm I love that place and those women. More than I realized.

I came home and began to see people around here. I made soup and drank wine with Jorden, got fitted for my bridesmaid dress and went to happy hour with David and Kayla, snuggled a bit with Collin, and spent some good time with my family.

Then I went to Maine for 10 days with my parents to visit my cousins, aunt, uncle, and grandmother. Although my initial feelings about traveling (once more) were less than enthusiastic, I ended up having a pretty good time and really enjoying getting to know my awesome cousins and sweet aunt and uncle. This was only the second time I've ever met any of them and it was quite lovely. We had a lot of fun and laughs and I gained new wisdom about things like asprin and turtle necks :) I was sad to leave but left with promises that they would all come to visit this summer which I'm really excited for. No need to ask, I absolutely did NOT have lobster or any other kind of gross seafood while I was there. ICK! A highlight was I think hanging out with my cousin who's my age and we went to see It's Complicated which happens to be like my new favorite movie and then we went out for Mexican food and shared margaritas. It was a good time. Junk food night without the adults was a blast too :) Maine truly is absolutely stunningly beautiful. Wow! I consider myself blessed to have seen three of the four oceans in the world within a four month time period: Pacific in San Francisco, Indian in Kenya, and the Atlantic in Maine. Wonderful.

I came home from Maine and immediately unpacked, repacked, and headed down to Savage (by Shakopee) for some much needed time with one of my favorite women in the entire world: Miss Shannon Elizabeth Preston. We wore little black dresses, went to dinner at Buca's, had a glass of wine at the bar and admired the adorable bartender, ate wonderful food, then returned home to our pjs and drank wine until we fell asleep in front of the fireplace and candles. In the morning we spent hours looking at each other's pictures, made lunch for ourselves, then watched the second half of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince together, then each talked on the phone to our respective people for a while then made dinner with her parents. I made them ugali-a staple food of Kenya and much of Africa. They graciously tried it and liked it. The conversation was good then Shannon and her dad left for a bit and I took a two hour dip in their jucuzzi accompanied by a glass of pinot noir and candlelight. Oh my goodness, I loved every minute! God is too good to me I think. The rest of the night was spent sharing a couch and good conversation with this woman I have come to regard as a soul sister and most certainly a friend of life. We made plans to open a vineyard together someday. It was a lovely couple of days spent with her-just something to tide me over until I see her again in 6 months :)

And I'm home now. Relaxed and free of obligations other than meeting up with other people around the cities who I have also missed dearly. I am set on enjoying the next two weeks until South Africa as much as I can. I can honestly say that I am absolutely not ready to go back. I think it took slowing down and resting and being comfortable again to realize how hard the last four months have been on me and how exhausted I really am. I would not take a second of it back, and to steal Chris' words, the semester was what it should have been. God does place us in certain places at certain times and not all of life should be easy. I learned what I should have learned and this experience will affect me in ways that I cannot begin to imagine. However, it was hard and taxing, like climbing a mountain for 4 months straight. I'm exhausted and ready to be stable for a while and the thought of plunging, yet again, into my third brand new culture within a year for a long period of time once again makes me quite weary. I am comforting myself with positive thoughts and the reassurances of practically everyone that this semester will be easier than the last. Don't get me wrong, I want to go, I still feel called to go and know that South Africa is where I'm supposed to be in two weeks but I'm just... weary right now.

So until I have to leave, I am spending the next two weeks with friends and family, reading, drinking tea, hot chocolate, and lots of wine, cooking a lot, and eating tons of soup and Malt-O-Meal and watching movies to my hearts content underneath lots and lots of blankets surrounded by fellow snugglers and comfy pillows. Mmm life couldn't be better in this moment :)

Blessings

2009-11-29T22:43:00.000-08:00

These are the short dreams that filled my mind with savory sensations last night.

The jaunt about the cities.
I was walking, not with any purpose at all mind you, but just ambling down the half-filled city streets at dusk. I was wrapped up warm and tight, nestled in my softest scarf and thickest mittens. I was surrounded and jostled at times by laughing friends. I took a moment however, just a moment, to remove myself from their glee and notice the warm glow cast by the streetlights lining the snow-dusted sidewalk, adorned with wreaths and big red Christmas bows. The naked trees weren't so naked with their bright white lights all twisted around the bare branches which cast their light and warmth into the coldest places of my heart. The flakes fell from the sky whose clouds reflected the glow of the lamps and lights which brightened the street even more. I watched the tiny, beautiful frozen crystals of water fall lazily, gracefully down from heaven, it seemed and felt them resting, then melting on my rosy cheeks. A an older couple across the street walked slowly arm in arm enjoying the same scenes that I was. Two of my friends grabbed hands and raced past me leaping with spunk and laughter. A father and his young daughter stand outside the next window we pass as we walk pointing to the stunning Christmas tree on display inside decorated with intricate ornaments, each picking their favorite. The next door swings open to reveal a small coffee shop, packed with people all enjoying soft carols and the wonderful smells that usually accompany such places wafted out to greet my chilled nose. The soft din of friendly conversations and more melodious laughter followed me as I passed the small cafe. Taking all of this in, I felt a soft and gentle peace settle in my heart, quietly though, just like the snowflakes settling themselves on my skin. I breathed deeply and closed my eyes, a smile playing on my lips, preserving this forever in my mind.

Cooking and company.
A friend and I get out of the warm car and scurry quickly through the heavily falling snow and icy cold into the warm, inviting store. Once inside, we take a quick glance around and I breathe in deeply, smelling the freshness of the vegetables and the distinctness of the spices. We grab a basket each, unzip our thick jackets and begin in aisle one, walking slowly, talking about this and that as we walk and look at all the healthy, organic foods around us (this is not your typical grocery store). We grab this and that and place them gently into our slowly filling baskets, dreaming of the final product that will be ours to devour soon. We laugh and joke and share with each other. Nearing the end of the final aisle, I remember two things I have forgotten and rush away to get them before we check out.
Getting home, we bring the bags of food into the warm and spacious kitchen, peel the layers off ourselves, leaving on our most comfortable jeans and soft sweaters, our wool socks too of course. We unload everything and put things in their proper places. The bottle of wine we purchased just looks too good so we uncork it and fill two glasses with the rosy liquid, cheers to each other, and enjoy the savory flavor as it slips over our tongues. We both open our eyes at the same time and smile at each other and giggle a bit in pleasure. I decide that we simply cannot continue without some grapes, bread, and cheese, so I plunge back into the stocked refrigerator and pull out the fancy cheese and grapes we had just purchased. My friend grabs the baguette and begins to slice it as I begin to fill a platter with cheese and grapes. We sit on wooden stools across the counter from each other and each indulge heartily in our perfect feast. We begin to talk and plan out the meal that is soon to fill the house with delicious and enticing smells and soon find that we cannot wait to get started any longer. She goes to turn on the soft Christmas carols in the background and I clear counter space and adorn the apron with the biggest, most gawdy Christmas tree on it and smile at my choice. We begin making the sauce first and chop loads of vegetables to put in and engage each other in conversation that only the best of friends, sisters really, can have with each other. Conversation that is based on a history of friendship and events and trials together and intimate knowledge of the other person and their personality, habits, desires, and so forth. The vegetables are poured into a bit pot with olive oil and the burner is turned on and they begin to sizzle and cook and emit their sensuous smells. We both stand over the stove together, taking turns stirring, enjoying the colorful medley we have concocted together. I tear myself away to begin preparing the other parts of the meal, for it's too soon to make the salad, I say. She leaves the simmering sauce as well and begins to set the table, placing two candles in the middle and cloth napkins beside every plate. Her mother wanders in and compliments the chefs and says what a pleasure it is to have me in her home once again, it has been too long, she ventures. I laugh and thank her, for I missed her as well. I find my way back to the sauce, stirring it lazily to prevent the blackening of the beautiful vegetables. I add some spices and casually tip the bottle of wine over the mixture, growing excited for the joyous meal. My friend cracks one of her dry jokes and I double over in laughter because they truly are awful, but I do love them so. A while later, the meal is finished and all laid out on the table. We call to her family and they saunter in, testing the limits of their pants at the sight of this feast before them. We stand together by the stunning and laden down table quite pleased with ourselves and the masterpiece we have created together. We introduce the meal and her family expresses their approval and eager desire to begin feasting. We all join hands and thank God for the blessings of friends, family, conversation, food, and beauty and ask him to bless our meal together. Then we all look up together, sit down, and feast. Glasses clink together, forks and knives chink on plates, and bowls of food thud on the wooden table as they are picked up and set down and passed around. We drift between silences where our mouths are all full with the most delicious food, it seems, that we all have ever tasted and moments of chatter and laughter. All the while the Christmas carols continue to serenade us in the background.

Tea.
The kettle on the stove screams out that it is ready and filled with boiling water, perfect for tea. I grab two giant mugs, the ones that someone needs both hands to hold, out of the cupboard and place them on the counter. I pick up the kettle and slowly pour the steaming water into the mugs and then quickly drop the tea balls into each and watch the color steeping from them, escaping as if from nowhere in the most sultry of ways. The steam rises lazily, but fascinatingly, from the surface of the water and I watch captivated by the small beauty of the scene. I pick up the cold spoon from the counter and stir each cup haltingly, not wanting to disturb the wisps of bright color still steeping from the tea balls. I remove both tea balls and set them in the sink and place the tea on a tray, already laden with fresh, homemade cookies and bring them into the living room where my dear friend awaits on the couch, staring out the half-snow covered window, as the snow storm rages in beauty outside. The fireplace in the corner emits crackles and pops and I grab the big, fuzzy blanket that was keeping my seat on the couch warm for me and wrap myself in it. I sit on the couch and lose myself in the softness, reach for my tea and a cookie and settle back, tucking my feet under my friend to keep them toasty warm. We each smell the calming and peaceful smells wafting from our cups of tea and face each other and smile. The conversation begins.

_________________________________________________________________

I woke this morning with peace in my heart and a smile on my face. I can't wait to come home!

jum[bled]

2009-11-29T06:07:00.001-08:00

I'm in such a state of different feelings and emotions right now. I can't even describe or begin to untangle the different things that I"m feeling.

I've just come back from a [much needed] holiday on the coast of Kenya. I spent a week doing absolutely nothing but reading, sleeping, and relaxing in the sun and white sand beaches of Diani (just south of the port town of Mombasa). I stayed at a wonderful, all inclusive, beach resort filled with lots of elderly German people, most of which spoke no English (even the Kenyans spoke German). I didn't mind much-more time to be alone and not be bothered by exactly what I was trying to escape from: people. The past four months have been great yes, but also trying and taxing and wearing on my body, heart, mind, and soul. I am fatigued and exhausted and needed so much to get away. The week was perfect (except for the quite painful sunburn I attained-hey, I've never experienced sun on the equator before... Who knew?). Some highlights: I read "Long Walk to Freedom" by Nelson Mandela in preparation for South Africa-I have many thoughts on it and was quite surprised by my reaction to the book-I rode a camel on the beach: twice, I collected sea shells, I went to bed early and woke up when I wanted to, I went on a glass-bottomed boat, held a live starfish, walked and played on a sandbar, went snorkeling for the very first time, met a lovely Jehovas Witness Finnish couple whom I went snorkeling with again by ourselves, met a wonderful 70 year-old man from Munich who was short and stout. didn't speak much English, and whom I experienced the love and warmth of Jesus in, saw sea snakes, eels, nemos (clown fish), lion fish, angel fish, tons more pretty colored fish, starfish, sea urchins, coral, and lots of other incredible things while snorkeling, was given Aloe Vera by a very nice woman with an incredible and distinct laugh that was full of life who took pity on me and my sunburn, participated in water aerobics with a young Kenyan man and 5 other ancient German women who were so much fun to be around, although we didn't understand each other at all, delighted in a few glasses of wine poolside under the stars listening to the waves crash along the dark beach, spent time watching the miniature crabs scuttle side to side across the sand and in and out of their little holes, had a few close calls and one major loss of peanuts to a monkey, declared war on the geckos which insisted, no matter what I did upon being in my room at night, got dolled up for dinner every night just because I could, and completely ignored everything that I left behind and put it all out of my head for the week. I'm sure that was confusing to read through, but did constitute the majority of my week, I loved it and felt much better coming back to Nairobi and all that it currently holds for me.

I realized during the week that in the past few weeks of being here, I had lost my 'sparkle.' Throughout my time here, several people, one of my favorite Italian monks in particular always mentioned to me that my eyes were positively sparkling. Each time, I laughed and the light inside me burned a little brighter. :) But the past few weeks have been so full of conflict, stress, sickness, worry, and fatigue that my sparkle has dissipated. People would ask me how much sleep I had gotten because I looked terrible after waking up from a full 8 hours of sleep. I prayed, while I was away, for God to help me to find a way to ignite that sparkle again. By the end of the week because of prayer and the people I met and the experiences I had and the time away and the rest, I felt that the sparkle had reappeared, I could feel the light again. Coming back to Nairobi last night, I was, again, plunged into the same conflicts, the same stresses, the same worries, and spent the night not sleeping, but thinking a million miles a minute. I am struggling now to not let the little flame run into hiding once more.

I haven't blogged about this yet, but I decided to go home for Christmas. I've been away for 7 months now (I really can't count the two days in between San Fran and Kenya as anything...). Away from family, friends, and familiar places. The prospect of spending another 6 months or so on top of the 7 already away was a bit overwhelming especially since the plans of my traveling companions had also changed which would have left me alone in Africa for the better portion of a month. I made the decision quickly and am flying home on the 7th of December. I'll be there midday on the 8th. One week from tomorrow. I don't know if I've ever looked forward to anything this much. The prospect of being able to spend time being loved (in person!) and loving (again, in person) on my family and friends is one that I couldn't turn down. I've realized being away all this time how important loved ones are and how important 'home' is. I pride myself on my ability to create a home for myself wherever I currently happen to be, but have also realized that spending 3 months here, and 4 months there cannot replace the lifetime or the years spent with family or with friends. The people you call your family in these places are incredible and love you and all of that yes, but they don't truly know you the way the people from home do. Especially when you're in a different culture! I love Kenya and I love the people here, my family, but I am certainly more than ready to head home. I miss being around people who love me and who can show me that they love me! I miss being able to show the people I love that I love them in the ways that I know best. I'm needing the TLC and nurturing that comes from parents and best friends and tea and snuggling sessions. :) I am entirely confident that my decision will strengthen my relationships and nurse my body, mind, heart, and soul back to health as I am utterly broken and bone-tired at this point. I bet my 'sparkle' will be back before you know it too :)

So I'm leaving this place that I've lived for the past 4 months in just 7 days. All the people and places and things that have filled my time and my heart I will have to say good-bye to. I'll be back one day I'm sure but it's a bit sad to leave. Although I'm more than ready, my heart still twangs when Sister Theresita calls me her "Daughtie" (Daughter) and laughs the way she does and looks at me over the top of her glasses. I will sorely miss these dear people who have opened their hearts to me these past months. I will miss the leisurely pace of life here and the "Sawa" attitude.

I'm looking foreward to SNOW, and having tea with dear friends, and cooking and sharing meals with people, and visiting campus again, seeing my residents I never thought I'd miss but do incredibly much, going to student mass, going to Maine for Christmas with my Grandma and cousins, going to church at the Basilica, shopping for bridesmaids dresses with Kayla, spending time in the lovely Twin Cities, being 21! in the U.S., watching movies with my Dad, talking to my Mom, having wine and chocolate with Shannon and talking for HOURS, gossiping with Collin, catching up with the latest happenings in everyone's lives, and SO MUCH MORE! Just thinking about all of these things brings huge smiles to my face and tears of excitement and pure joy to my eyes. My heart skips and I can't help but believe that these things are only 7 days away!

I'm also listening currently to "Irresistible Revolution" by Shane Claiborne on my ipod. It also brings tears to my eyes when I hear him talk about his vision of the church and what being a follower of Christ and being a CHRISTIAN look like. It's something I yearn so much for and feel so called to that I don't know what to do with myself. It makes me think about my experiences working with the homeless this summer in San Fran and how powerful that was and the people I met there and the ways that I met God through the people and the experiences I had there. He's based in Philidelphia, yet another city with an overwhelming population of homeless. He worked with Mother Theresa in Calcutta. The tenderness and love with which he describes the people and the experiences and God is incredible. It's the way we were meant to live. I am so convinced. Although I still cannot call myself a Christian because of the Church and because of the people sitting next to me in church on Sundays (not all of them of course) who call themselves Christian but don't let their proclaimed "Christianity" interact with their daily life, thoughts, and actions, I feel like I could call myself one again one day. The Church needs a revolution, so many people I feel, are like me, and like Shane for that matter, and yearn for more, yearn to be better and yearn to be true Christians and followers of Christ. His message is incredible and I'm only a third of the way through the book!

My emotions are ridiculously conflicting... I'm a bit lost right now in the midst and tangle of them. I'm confused, conflicted, broken, hurt, and tired. But I'm excited, loved, passionate, blessed, and revitalized as well. I cannot push aside the brokenness and just focus on the positive as I am so tempted. God finds us and loves us in our brokenness and He is making Himself apparent to me through this struggle and challenge. He is challenging me to find love (both for myself and for others) and to follow Him and His Word, as extremely difficult as I am finding that challenge right now and as frustrated as I am with it, I know He is here with me guiding me and loving me.

I don't want this last week to be a "just hang on until it's over week." I want to do this week right and accept my challenges and try to overcome them. I want to savor these last days with these people and share in good company and memories. I want to tie up loose ends and make sure I leave regrets behind me. I want to give this last week all I've got left, no matter how tired or frustrated I may be, God and this place and these people deserve what I've got left.

Looking over all of this, it's such a jumble of everything--pretty much my head right now. It's helped a bit to write it out some-thanks for hanging on :)

worldviews

2009-11-05T23:19:00.000-08:00

Again, I'm sitting in front of the computer (in the internet cafe of all places) with a blank space in my head where the words are supposed to be coming from. I'm in Karen, a mzungu-filled town center where I'm waiting for my trousers (pants) to be taken in yet again by the seamstress next door. I have some articles to look up for research for one of my term papers on human rights and African culture while I'm here, however I am simply not looking forward to writing the paper...

Lately I've been growing a bit restless, tired once again of a routine. I've been here for three full months now and I think I'm ready for change. It also could be the thought of writing this paper and taking my final exam that has me wishing for the end of November already. :) Although I dread leaving here because I'm so comfortable and used to everything and love my friends and family here so much, I am so ready for more adventures. I think certain [major] differences in the culture and way of life here are really getting to me as well.

The first I think is having people constantly ask me for things and expect things of me. It's tiring to always have to be ready with a graceful, respectful response to someone who asks for your shirt, or laptop, or camera, or, just yesterday, my jacket. These can be people you don't even know who sit next to you on a matatu or people you live with-everyone is fair game. It is a cultural thing for sure-no one here is an individual-everyone is for and with everyone else. It's a what's mine is yours kind of thing. It's just not the way I operate unfortunately. I probably will end up leaving a lot here because of all I've accumulated but what will I have left if I give away everything everyone asks me for? How many people would I have living at my house in MN if I took everyone back with me who asked? You just can't give everything and it's tiring to try and avoid that all the time.

This particular item that makes me weary is not cultural, but a result of poverty and desperation. I am tired of having to ALWAYS be so alert all the time when I'm going anywhere for fear of getting my things stolen or getting mugged. I've only had to be in the city by myself without Chris a few times, but when I have, I have practically run through the street clutching my bag for dear life to prevent anything from getting stolen or my bag from getting cut. There have been several experiences such as this: I have had two bags cut with a knife-not the straps, but holes in the bag-with the hope that something of value would fall out, which luckily did not happen either time. Another Saturday afternoon, we were on our way home from the hospital where our dear friend had just given birth and were walking through town to the matatu stop and I had a backpack on because I had brought it to the hospital with me for things to do. Chris was walking behind me to avoid people stealing from it and when we were in a big crowd that was bottlenecking and Chris fell behind a bit, I felt something and reaching around and grabbed this man's hand out of the side pocket of my bag. Chris grabbed him, picked him up, put him aside, checked his hands, and then we walked quickly away. Again, he didn't get anything. Chris has had two matatu experiences where I was not with him where people were trying to reach into his pockets and his bag to get what they could. I won't go into detail, but it's a really scary thing and a huge reality one has to deal with when living in Nairobi. I can't tell you how exhausting it is, even when Chris is there with me to be that completely alert and weary all the time. I hate that I have to even suspect children on the street of stealing from me. No one can be trusted and I don't like that feeling at all. It's not even that they are bad people, but stealing for them is a survival technique because of the poverty they are in. It's so sad to see.

I'm also growing tired of "African time." After a point, I can't help but see it as complete disrespect for other people. I completely understand how people get held up a few minutes here and there because of greeting someone or a jam or something like that, but several times I have planned on leaving my hostel at a certain time, having to be driven by our driver there for various reasons and an hour or two later we leave and I am ridiculously late for wherever it is I have to be. I cannot tell you how frustrating that is for me. I am completely fine with even up to 1/2 hour late, but one or two hours is a bit ridiculous and disrespectful, even for "African time."

Chris and I have also learned how that no matter what plans you make here, and how well you make them, things never ever go according to those plans. It does become comical over time and you learn to be flexible and to just go with the flow and not plan anything or make ten different sets of plans in the hope that one of them or a combination of some of them works out. But most of the time you're flying by the seat of your pants. It's ok for a while, but sometimes it's nice to know what to expect.

These aren't necessarily rants by any means and I am not complaining, although that may indeed be what it sounds like, but I am pointing out some huge cultural and worldview differences that have become more than apparent to me since being here. They are not something I think needs to change, just things that conflict with my culture and where I come from and sometimes makes the reality of life here frustrating. Chris and I are both frustrated with these things-which is nice to have someone who understands so well. But hey, as they say here: sawa. (it's ok)

Well, my trousers are almost ready so I'm going to finish up gathering my articles and head on out and back to Langata for class.

In case you were at all confused by this blog, I'm still doing great and I wouldn't trade this experience for anything. God works and teaches me in incredible ways!

Sudan

2009-11-04T05:18:00.000-08:00

First things first. It's been so long since I have been able to write, even though I have wanted to, because the internet at our hostel has been down since the 14th of October. That's a long time and I miss talking to everyone as frequently as I used to.

However, much has happened since I last blogged and I want to start off slowly with one thing at a time to make sure I get all of it in here!

On the 14th of October, through the 18th of October, I was given the opportunity to go to Juba, Sudan. I took it as you can imagine-I have been saying how much I want to go to Sudan forever! Juba is the capital of the south and the South was where the forefront of the war was fought between the North and the South. Chris and I were there with a team from our internships helping to train the official election observers for the upcoming elections there in April. To say that it was nice to FINALLY be a part of some action and something tangible would be an understatement. It was incredible to not be talking about doing something or learning about something, but to actually take action on an issue for a change. Although I feel that much was lacking in our training due to the lack of resources, it was still good to take action.

Juba, is the capital of the South and thus far my experience with the capitals of African countries has been quite good and I have found the three that I have been in quite developed. Juba was poverty pure and simple. You could see the effects of the war there and see how much it had torn the country and the people apart. Generations of lives were ruined by death, poverty, lack of education, fear, violence, and more. I saw maybe one or two 2-story buildings while I was there. I hate to say this for fear of fulfilling stereotypes (which is not what I'm trying to do and this is not how it is in most of Africa) but there were mud and grass huts in the city center still. Many people had structures made from scraps of metal and plastic that served as their homes.

The river Nile runs straight through Juba and our hotel was right on the bank. It was really beautiful but also full of mosquitoes, lizards, and frogs. And it was HOT HOT HOT! Walking off the plane was walking into a heat like I've never felt. Wow! I was sweating pretty much the entire weekend. The training was held in the hotel and consisted of representatives from each of the different states in the South that had been elected by different organizations as representatives of their state.

Our first night we took a picki-picki (motorcycle) tour of the city. Chris and I found ourselves on the back of a picki-picki riding over the Nile during a brilliant pink sunset. What an experience-something I will never forget. It was so beautiful and perfect. Wow. God is so good!

A quick background on the situation currently in Sudan. There have been no elections there in over 40 years. Most, if not all, of the Sudanese have never voted or even thought about it. More than 70% of the population is illiterate which has HUGE implications in the voting process. Talk about civic education? No way. Even basic education is severely lacking, forget about being educated about voting, government, their rights, and the list goes on. Getting people in the rural villages to understand the process, get registered, become educated about political candidates, get to the polls, be able to cast their vote freely and fairly without pressure, bribery, or violence will be a miracle and is certainly more than most are hoping for. The situation in the South is shaky at best and the CPA has already been breached more than once. The North is not giving the South its fair share of oil revenue and they are getting upset. The census that was just completed was tampered with and wrought with corruption which will have an influence on the elections since people are so upset and skeptical of it. The electoral calendar is not being adhered to and the government is most definitely stalling on the process. With the referendum coming up in 2010 to see if the South will become an independent state tensions are high, especially because the South holds most of the oil and the North wants a share of that which they can't get if they become separate entities. This does not even count the situation in Darfur... The situation grows evermore complicated and I am quite concerned about the process and the outcome of the elections. Many people are trying their hardest however to ensure that the elections go as smoothly as possible.

The training was 4 days and covered many topics. Some of it passed right over the heads of the trainees and I feel that we could have stayed in training for a month. I was frustrated by the fact that as monitors, they virtually have no powers to change or enforce anything, they simply have to report what they see. It was a constructive process however and by the end we ended up with a check list of things to observe and check over during the process.

I have so many reflections on Sudan. I really loved it there a lot. It was beautiful and the people were lovely. Someday I'm going back.

That's all for now, hopefully I'll get to write again soon but Chris wants to head home now :)

:D

2009-10-07T11:35:00.000-07:00

Hello again :)
I am back from an insane weekend! I don't have the energy right now to explain everything that occurred, but the highlights are these: BEAUTIFUL scenery in Hell's Gate and in Menengai Crater, biking through said beauty, lots of intimidating buffalo blocking our path and sharing our campsite with us, other cool animals, cat (leopard or cheetah) prints outside our tent in the morning, camping, campfires, moon and stars, hyaenas calling in the night, exploring the bottom of a SWEET gorge, showering in hot springs, wading barefoot in a stream at the bottom of the gorge, incredible views from above, biking several kilometers in the pouring rain and getting soaked, boda-boda rides (motorcycles), finding a hotel in Nakuru, sleeping with two non-snoring guys for 2 nights in a row, climbing over 400 meters down into one of the largest craters, trying to climb out of the crater in the rain and hail up the side of a cliff on goat trails, dislocating/spraining my shoulder in the middle of trying to climb the side of the mountain and still having to continue for fear of landslides, getting muddy and changing in our guides 'shop', taking boda-bodas down the mountain, getting cheated the ENTIRE weekend by EVERYONE and paying way more than we should have, having a blast, having good conversation with good friends, making enough memories to last a lifetime...

Needless to say, this weekend was crazy, but I loved it. I have spent the last few days back here at my hostel resting, catching up on sleep, and trying to figure out what the heck is wrong with my shoulder. I'm going for a third opinion tomorrow...

But I have realized a couple of things since I last wrote.

I LOVE living in the moment. I LOVE recognizing the perfection in small moments and soaking it in as much as I can. Like drinking tea in my living room here at night after everyone has gone to bed and reading a book for pleasure in the warm golden lamp light and silence. Or riding a crazy matatu at sunset in the city where it is so loud and obnoxious and someone's knee is in your back and elbow in your side and the sun catches your face as it leaves for the day and gives you the last bits of warmth it has and you realize that you are in Kenya and you live here! Or when you are eating at the best Italian restaurant in the ENTIRE world, drinking delicious wine and eating soul-melting food that makes you dizzy with pleasure and sharing the food, wine, and candlelight with good friends. Realizing the perfection in these moments is everything to me. The joy and gratitude I feel in those moments brings tears to my eyes. I feel as if God perfectly designs those moments for everyone but few people pause long enough to linger in the perfection and love in those moments and to appreciate them. But me, I find those moments daily. They make me realize how good life is-and how simple it should be.

I have some of the best friends anyone could ever ask for in my life. I think it has taken me coming here and being away from so many of them for me to realize how precious and what jewels they are. I cannot tell you how many countless times I have had a rough day here and gone to the post office and found a warm, love-filled letter or package, or checked my email and found an encouraging message filled once again with laughter and love. Or even signed onto Skype needing a friend and finding five that just want to listen. I appreciate all of you so much and I thank God for you every single day. How blessed I am! My heart feels full because I have such incredible people in my life. It makes me really excited to go back in 8 months and be surrounded by such wonders as these people.

I have been reading 3 really incredible books. One: Gandhi and Jesus-The Saving Power of Non-Violence, Two: The Way to God by Mahatma Gandhi, and Three: The Big Questions-A Buddhist Response to Life's Most Challenging Mysteries by Lama Surya Das. I am in the middle of all of them at once and am finding their wisdom most thrilling and true. I wanted to share a couple of quotes from them that have been ringing in my heart for a few days:

"Since no one knows what the true image of God is, who can decry the image that someone holds close to his heart?"

"God is not some person outside ourselves or away from the universe. He pervades everything and is omniscient as well as omnipotent. He does not need any praise or petitions. Being immanent in all beings, he hears everything and reads our innermost thoughts. He abides in our hearts and is nearer to us than the nails on our fingers."

"He allows us freedom and yet his compassion commands obedience to his will. But if anyone of us disdains to bow to his will, he says "So be it. My sun will shine no less for thee. My clouds will rain no less for thee. I need not force thee to accept my sway.""

"We may not be God, but we are of God, even as a little drop of water is of the ocean. Imagine it torn away from the ocean and flung millions of miles away. It becomes helpless, torn from its surroundings, and cannot feel the might and majesty of the ocean. But if someone could point out that is is the ocean, its faith would revive, it would dance with joy and the whole of the might and majesty of the ocean would be reflected in it."

"It is the duty of every human being to look carefully within and see himself as he is, and spare no pains to improve himself in body, mind, and soul. He should realize the mischief wrought by injustice, wickedness, vanity, and the like, and do his best to fight them."

"...while noticing that so many of us are eager to change the world, while relatively few are ready, willing, and able to change themselves in order to help do so. Many are called, but few choose to awaken."

"My body is the entire universe, all beings my heart and soul. You are no different."

"You simply need to realize that faith is a gift from God, ask God for it again and again, and let grace occur in its own time and way."

"God is love and whoever abides in love abides in God and God in him."

"The problem with so much of organized religion these days is that it too often seems to function as a divisive rather than uniting force, supporting rigid dogmatism, and even fanaticism, rather than the love, inclusiveness, tolerance, and spiritual evolution upon which so many early disciples based their lives. Unfortunately we can watch such divisiveness playing out in the conflicts and violence that ignited in the name of theology in the Middle East, the Balkans, Ireland, and elsewhere."

"Learning how to love is the goal and purpose of a spiritual life. Love is the way, the truth, and the light that is common to all religions and humanistic philosophies."

"How would Jesus love? Agape, or caritas-Christian love-is self-giving, unconditional love... How, then, would Buddha love? By seeing every single being, human and otherwise, as fundamentally like and equal to himself, thus enabling him to naturally treat and love others in the way he himself would choose to b e treated."

"...and for seeing the light, the Buddha, or God-whatever you call it-in others. We know we can see the light in our child or our pet dog or cat, but what about in our colleagues or the people that scare us on the street or the kinds of insects we're afraid of? Can we perceive the light, the divine, the Buddha-nature, in all?"

"We can think globally about universal love and compassion, but we have to start somewhere. Let's think globally but act locally-with ourselves and with each other."

And the list goes on...
I have loved reading these books and have found so much truth in them. I am definitely not saying by these things that I am a Buddhist or a Hindu or anything else like that. What I know though is that I am following the path right now that is showing me the most truth and is most like how I envision living my life.

I have considered myself a Catholic for so many years and what I have found again and again is that for some reason, I have always been searching for, yearning for, and missing something. A hole and an emptiness has always existed that I have desired so deeply for so long to fill. The more I learn and read and think, the more fulfilled I feel. The closer I feel (although I still have such a far distance to go-a whole lifetime!) to truth and to meaning. Chris told me the other night that my definition of 'fulfilled' and my vision of spirituality and God was definitely not Christian. I'm ok with that right now. Why do I have to define myself?

Here's what I mean by 'fulfilled.' I want so badly to be filled-with love, peace, serenity, and compassion. Absolutely filled. I don't want to desire anymore and I'm tired of being so restless all the time. I want to feel love and peace deep deep in my soul and my heart and be so confident in God and in that love and peace that come from Him that I don't feel this restless longing anymore.

I am not sure yet what my vision of God is and the role is that I believe He plays. I believe in one, all powerful, all knowing, all seeing, all loving, all everything God! I am fascinated by the idea of the Holy Spirit. One of my biggest comforts when I am frightened, or lonely, or doubtful is to envision a spirit engulfing me like a blanket and wrapping itself around me in a glow of love and peace. I can almost feel a comfortable arm around my shoulders sometimes, holding me and comforting me. When I feel alone or tired, I imagine crawling up into a giant lap to sleep in my Father's safe warmth until it passes. I believe God resides in nature-the the beautiful, breath-taking scenery I saw this weekend. I believe He resides in people (not that they ARE God, they are not) but that He is made up of all people and that He left His image inside each one of us. I enjoy trying to see that piece inside everyone-in a smile or a glimmer in their eyes or in the softness of their laughter or the gentleness of their handshake.

So I'm on a journey of figuring all of this out. Because with each passing day, I find this to be the most important part of my life. I believe I have stated this before, but I don't believe anymore that my life is supposed to contain spirituality and God. I believe that my spirituality and God contain my life in them. I don't think I'd be the best at defending my beliefs right now or explaining specifics but I know how set my heart is on these things already and I love the small amounts of peace I am finding in these things.

Mmm... Life is good and full of love.
I miss you all!

Thus confined and breaking free

2009-09-27T02:29:00.005-07:00

I write today as my heart and mind are full. Full of many things.
My life these past days and weeks, I suppose, can perhaps be likened to trying to get out of a matatu packed with people that you have been stuck in for over an hour in the sun, dust, and traffic. You have gotten stuck with the very back, corner seat and it seems that there are a million people, or barriers between you and the door, which means freedom, in this case. And thus in order to get there, you must wiggle and turn and twist your way out. But there is always a path; there is always a way out. Looking at it from the seat you are in, it seems impossible to worm your way through the seats and people into air a bit less-stagnant than inside the matatu, but you decide to give it a go and everything ends up fitting just the way it should and soon, after some heavy twisting and effort, you break free into, compared to the air inside the matatu-which has been passing through anywhere from 15-19 pairs of lungs for a very long period of time-what seems to be fresh air. You are thus rewarded for your struggle to get out.

I make this analogy not to give my recent journey a bad connotation, not at all. For it has been good and so rewarding. But I feel as if I have been uncomfortable in my seat for so long and I am being shown a way out and in order to get there I must twist and wiggle and struggle to find my way. It is the best kind of struggle however, one that will take my whole life-the struggle to find God.

Let me start from square one...
I think that I have become a bit of an external processor :) (Surprised?) Thus, since I have had several intense and long conversations lately (and also read some incredible books), I have 'processed' many new things and discovered things about myself and my beliefs that I had never truly realized. I have realized that I have always struggled with organized religion for a reason. I have realized what I believe life is all about. I have realized that I have much seeking and learning and changing to do.

I have struggled with organized religion for so long because I feel like it confines me instead of giving me the freedom to know God and to live out his love. I feel like it tells me how to live and judges me and other people. I do not feel like it leaves much room anymore for how God wants me to live and for God to judge me and others. I feel as if the people around me put on a show on Sundays and the rest of the week they perhaps think that God can't see them and thus they don't have to be Christians. They make spirituality a part of their life. They don't make their life their spirituality, which is what I believe God calls us to do. What good does sitting in church on Sundays do if you are not living out what you are learning and hearing? I feel sad when I hear about the politics in the church and about the discrimination towards people who are different and who we do not understand and who we fear. In reality, I believe that God made each and every one of us exactly the way we are-incredibly unique and special. How amazing is it that He created billions and billions of people-all differently? We have no right to judge or discriminate against others, for they were created in the image of God just like you and I-they have God living in them! When we shun and discriminate against others, we are shunning and judging God. Who exactly do we think we are? We take for granted so much in this life-including the ability God gave us to judge and hate and fear. I feel like so much of organized religion has lost its focus, its purpose, and its meaning. Religion, spirituality, and faith are not about showing up to church on Sundays and putting on a good show. They are about and for the purpose of living out God's will and for loving God, your neighbors, and yourself. That's it. It seems so simple, yet it is incredibly difficult-no wonder this has become lost.

If you disagree, I ask you to look at the world today. Why is it that the church judges so harshly homosexuals when God made them just like you and I and when it is not up to them to judge them, but up to God? Why is it that there is still so much fighting among the peoples of this world? Among Christians? How is pointing a gun at a fellow human being (in the name of security or not) what God calls us to do? How is sitting back and watching people die in Afghanistan and in Sudan and so many other places in the world loving our neighbor? God never said loving would be easy; when did people become so afraid of hard work? If people were truly Christian, truly living by the simple rule of love, I believe that things of this nature would not occur.

So, I do feel confined by religion. I feel confined by rules and judgement. I do not believe the lives of Christians today and even people of other religions (although Christianity is what I know most about) were how God intended for people to live. I do not believe that one religion is 'more right' than another religion. I believe it's all the same God and that people are entitled to worship Him and believe in Him how they choose. "Since no one knows what the true image of God is, who can decry the image that someone holds close to his heart?"

I have discovered how strongly and firmly I believe in one simple rule that is common for all people of all faiths however. That rule is so simple in nature, but so difficult to live out. That is LOVE. What else is there really? This principle is across all faiths and cultures and people-it is found everywhere. If love was simply lived out-all other actions and morality can be derived from this. You are either loving God, your neighbor, and yourself or you are not. To me, this is black and white. I believe so strongly that I am called to love each and every human being in this world as the image and piece of God that they are and to show them this love as best I can.

A story. This summer in San Francisco, I was standing in line outside Glide Memorial Church waiting for food and talking with the homeless in line with me. I was talking to this man who had been in federal prison for 17 years. He had killed multiple people. He was telling me about how much intense hate he had for the world and for all people. I remember at that point vividly knowing that the amount of hate that this man had inside of him, times infinity, was how much love God had put into my heart for all of his creation. I am certainly not very good at showing this love all the time. I still judge people and discriminate. I still walk past people on the street and ignore them and fail to see God's light inside of them. But I know how much a part of me and how driven by this love I am and I am committed to becoming this love. To reducing myself only to this love. Realizing this has given me so much explanation and meaning and purpose. Someday I will learn to live and love selflessly-all people. Someday I hope to stop judging and discriminating. I struggle to remain conscious of these things at all times, in all of my interactions.

I believe that God, right now, is testing me. He is with me in my struggle, this I know. He is asking me to keep loving selflessly, to keep reducing myself to love, when there are so many earthly reasons why I should revoke my love and instead place distance. He is teaching me what it is to be selfless and to love when you get nothing in return, to love when what you get in return is painful and hurtful. Choosing to love cannot become a habit. It is even more than a daily choice one must make. It is a choice one must make in every situation and thought. It is changing your entire life so that it becomes just about love. In every sense, you are reduced to this love. It is accepting love in return, but not failing to love when love does not come back in return.

There have been times lately when I am on the very verge of giving up and taking the easy route and putting up distance. There have been so many times when just ignoring the people on the street seems so much easier than seeking out the piece of God inside them and loving them for that. There have been so many times when I am exhausted and crabby after dinner, but I still go into the kitchen to help to the dishes out of love for my family here. There have been so many instances of absolutely not wanting to ask if I can do this or that for someone, but doing it because, in fact, I am doing this or that for God. There have also been many times where I have let the difficulty overcome me and I have failed to love. But I am learning and I am a student of this love and this God.

Thus I feel as if I have been confined by the boundaries of my 'religion' for so long and just now am I realizing the potential that breaking free of these boundaries offers. I am right now looking for a way to practice my faith and exploring all that the world has to offer in this respect. I am looking for teachers and for others who believe so strongly and who feel so consumed by and so called to love to surround myself by and to learn from. For I am not ready yet to be teacher for others or to BE this change I believe so much in as an example to others. I am trying to figure out the words right now to describe what I believe my actions should be and by this, I hope to some day be able to 'preach, and when necessary, use words."

I am still on this journey and still questioning so much about what I believe about God, about love, about myself and my actions, and about others and how I should live my life and become this change I so seek. What a struggle! But as I said, a struggle of the best kind :)

_______

As for Kenya, I absolutely love it here. I am homesick, of course, but it is no longer the sharp ache I had when I arrived. Life here is so good. I am extremely busy with classes and internships, hence not blogging for so long! But I am loving every minute of it. I am doing some incredible things-I will share more later on that however. :) I am also beginning to enjoy picking up the culture here. I love that greetings are no longer awkward because I know what to do and what to expect-the right handshake and questions to ask and everything! I am picking up bits and pieces of Kiswahili as well-haha I don't expect that I'll ever be fluent however. I get a lot of joy from cooking for the household and from the people I live with. Especially from my 'grandmother' here who is so sweet and funny, you can't help but burst with love and affection for her. I am learning the culture of the matatus as well-I find the situations I am in when taking them sometimes quite hilarious and I will have so many stories when I come back... :)

That is all for now, it is now time to go do more work :)
I love you all and miss you!
I'm still waiting on those cookies by the way! :P

Thus confined and breaking free

2009-09-27T02:29:00.001-07:00

Rest, Frustration, Children, Kibera, Learning, Jibberish, and COOKIES?

2009-09-07T10:30:00.000-07:00

Much time has passes since I last updated. I have already been in Kenya for a few days shy of a month! Although we have not done much yet, time has flown by. I have had ample time to rest, get over jet lag, and become adjusted to life in Africa once more. Coming off of the summer that I had, I was in a constant, desperate plea to God to give me some rest- any rest. Although I have been increasingly frustrated with having nothing to do and with the stagnancy here, I have been quite blessed by our time to chill. I keep reminding myself that all this is just my Father looking out for me :) Thus, I am rested and relaxed. I have been able to read and nap and drink wine and cook and do many other things that the summer simply didn't allow for. That said, the rest has been broken by periods and times of frustration with life, specifically school, here. They, being the administration, has instituted a new policy this semester. It is called zero-balance and all students must pay all of their entire semester's fees before being allowed to register for classes and attend them. They did not inform the students of said policy before their return three weeks ago and thus the students have returned without the money to pay their fees in completion. This has caused classes to be delayed as their are no students because they have all been trying to figure out how to get money to pay and not in class. Professors have become lax and are also not showing up to class and are canceling for personal, and silly, reasons. I got here three and a half weeks ago and have only had one real class period. Tonight, Chris and I spoke with several important members of our department and the administration to voice our frustrations and the importance of not missing anymore classes. We fear not being able to get credit at CSB/SJU for the classes here if they do not start immediately and if we do not make up the time we have lost. We have a meeting scheduled with the Dean of Students and dinner with the President of the university next week. I feel bad speaking out so strongly here, as I am happy and blessed to be here, but I have to look out for myself-especially when things are so dire. I will keep you posted as to what happens. My internships look to be quite interesting and I am excited to get going with them. I am working with the Pax Christi Greater Horn of Africa Network and I will be helping them to create their first newsletter (researching, writing, editing, etc.) as well as helping with a youth group in Djibouti and a task force for the upcoming elections in Sudan. I am also working for an organization called ChemChemi Ya Ukweli (it means "Spring of Truth" in Kiswahili) and it is Kenya's only organization advocating for non-violence. It deals with two things: Active Non-Violence (ANV) and with inter-religious dialogue and conflicts. I will be helping to create and update an archive of current events that can be used in future research or articles as well as attending, aiding, and put on meetings and trainings in ANV all over the country. I am excited to have half my job focus on current events and educating myself on the issues currently affecting Kenya and the wider region. Volunteering has not yet begun, but this weekend I took my first trip to Nakuru (just a bit northwest of Nairobi) and I was in an extremely rural town to the north of Nakuru staying with some Franciscan friars and volunteers from Germany at a place they have there and after mass on Sunday, we went to a home for disabled children that they have nearby and played with them for an hour or two. It was glorious!!! I forgot just how much I LOVE to love on African children and what fun and what blessings they are. Their laughs and their smiles and their affection is enough to burst your heart with joy. I feel as if I could run, play, and tickle tirelessly with them. Playing with them awoke in my heart feelings of joy and love for this place and these people that I have not yet felt since being here. I decided that I need to start volunteering with children soon. Very soon. I know just the place to begin... Our first week we went to Kibera. Kibera is the largest slum in Africa with over one million people. We went and did a slum walk and visited the library that CSB/SJU sponsors in their "Books for Kibera" campaign and a couple of other places. One was a rescue center for children orphaned by HIV/AIDS, some who have the disease themselves. The kids were precious and I would love to go back and spend time with them. I not only felt tugs at my heart strings with the children, but from the entire slum itself. The media portrays places such as these as morbid; places that people just wait in to die. I will be honest, I fell for the ruse. However, walking the two or three miles through the slum that we did, I was overcome with senses of humanity, community, dignity, and HOPE. These beautiful souls were not waiting around to die-not in the least! Life was busy, bustling, and moving fast! People had things to do and places to go. They were trying their very hardest to change their circumstances, absolutely the farthest thing from giving up. It was inspiring to witness such perseverance and hope among this community of people. Don't get me wrong however, people should never have to live in such conditions-ever. It was filthy, dusty, cramped (even though it stretched for miles), without toilets or a basic sanitation system, etc, etc, etc-the list goes on and on. Talk about taking even the most basic things for granted... Yet I fell in love with the hope and the community there. They were the senses that made me want to be in solidarity with them, not as an outsider, but as an insider-to really understand their lives and their cultures. I will also update on future time spent there. I'll try to put up pictures on facebook soon as well. I am (very) slowly learning Kiswahili. I know a few select phrases-many ways to greet people at all times of the day and simple answers to them. A couple random words that I can throw into conversations at random when I feel they fit. The Kenyans always laugh when I do this however-but hey, how else am I supposed to practice?!? And I am becoming able to pick out specific words when they speak to each other, which is a big step considering that half of it still sounds like jibberish to me since my ears are so foreign to this language. My favorite is "naku penda" meaning simply "I love you" :) I was quite sick for the duration of my third week here-in addition to overcoming my cold/sinus infection, I developed somewhat of a stomach bug caused by who knows what kind of bug and cured by Cipro this weekend. I quit taking my malaria medicine after the first week here because there is virtually no threat inside of Nairobi and I am convinced it was making me seriously depressed. My level of homesickness decreased significantly after stopping it and my level of overall contentedness rose quite a lot as well. I survived the dreaded malaria once, I feel as if I can do it again. :) I just finished reading my new favorite book-entitled Eat, Pray, Love and written by Elizabeth Gilbert. It tells of Liz's story of a year of her life which she began broken and depressed and ended happy and filled with peace and contentment. Her journey took her to Italy, India, and Indonesia. In Italy she learned Italian and gorged herself with delicious food and learned the art of pleasure-of taking time to fulfill oneself without feeling guilty about indulging. In India she spent her time at an ashram learning the art of meditation and devotion-of being in the presence of God. In Indonesia, she learned to balance the two lifestyles-one lacking structure and filled with pleasure and of fulfilling wants and desires and the one of structure and holiness and divinity and peace. Her journey is inspiring and she is able to tell it in a captivating way that allows the reader to feel and learn alongside her. I learned so much from this book and it brought many questions I have to my attention about God and my relationship with Him/Her and what I want that to look like and strive towards. I have so much to say yet on the topic and many questions but it is something I need to process first :) Read it though, if you get a chance... And for sure let me know what you think the instant you finish. I have been feeling unusual here, different than how I expected to feel. I was expecting all out elation to be back in Africa again. I was expecting to fall in love instantly just as I did with Uganda. (I believe my first words off the plane in Uganda were "this is my new favorite place" or something like that...) Strangely though, until this weekend with the children, out of the city, with nature, in a rural village, I have not felt much. Sure, I am excited and blessed to be here, but I have not felt really anything out of the ordinary. We are just here, in Kenya, and this is just life, as usual. Perhaps it is because we are not constantly doing things-we are indeed, just going to school-like back home and like I normally do. It's just in a new environment this time. This weekend I really felt love though-love for God, love for people, and love for life and especially this place and these children. Perhaps I'm just not a city girl (at least for any city other than San Fran)... We shall see once things get moving :) I am getting along alright with life right now. The cultural differences have been frustrating, for me especially I feel, because by nature, as everyone knows, I am direct and assertive. Here, it is quite simple: they are absolutely not. Not in any way shape or form. They are as indirect and avoiding as can be. And to be honest: it drives me NUTS! But I am learning patience and the ways of the round-about people in the world. Slowly (of course). But I am trying and slowly learning, so Chris says at least. It becomes quite difficult when you don't know what you do that makes you direct and assertive and what it is that makes you not direct and not assertive. Hmm... Progress is progress though. I do feel at home here-quite so. I answer the door when the bell rings. I know the schedule and the ins and outs. When we have power and when we don't. I know where everything goes in the kitchen and I've attended evening and night prayers with the sisters. I was gone for a weekend and they really missed having me around the house. We laugh and joke and poke fun at each other when we are all together putting the dishes away and cleaning up after dinner every night. We have inside jokes and bad days as well. They know that I am not a morning person and that I won't wear socks or shoes no matter how many times they tell me to and I know that Sister Eddie is cheeky and that Sister Theresita isn't as hard as she seems and that she is always "on my side" and that Chris is slow but there are reasons for it. We are a family and although I miss mine quite a lot (A LOT!!!) I am happy to have them and I love them dearly :) I also want to put in a word about the women in Kenya in general. It is something I have noticed since being here quite a lot. The women have a strength and a resilience about them that is absolutely incredible and outstanding. Their strength emanates from them and empowers each other. There is no load that I have seen a man carrying here that I have not seen a woman double and carry with ease. They are not afraid of working HARD and do not try to get out of it. They do not claim excuses or ask for rest. They are seemingly tireless. When speaking, they have conviction and strength in their words. They know the power and strength they wield. I have come to love that about being here-nothing is enough to make you give up. It's inspiring and strengthening for my own soul to be around such women :) Alas, that is all for now. Quite a lot, I know. If you have made it this far-I would be impressed :) I'll try to write sooner rather than later next time :) I leave you with one request: If you have time and a bit of love and generosity in your heart (and wallet) I am sorely missing baked goods-namely chocolate chip (or any other type of) COOKIES!!! So if you feel like making up a batch and sending them my way, you would be my favorite person by far and reap the rewards (not only in heaven!!!) Think about it is all I'm saying... I miss everyone quite a lot and hope you are all well and thriving and loving :) Write me if you get a chance and I will surely write back quite soon! Martha Kaempffer P.O. Box 15155 Code 00509 Langata, Nairobi Kenya mtkaempffer@csbsju.edu Amani.

Karibu [Welcome]

2009-08-17T10:14:00.000-07:00

Jambo from Kenya :) I have been in Africa for a few days now and it has still not sunk in that I am truly here. This experience has been a year in the making-a year full of doubt, questions, hard work, wrong turns and u-turns, excitement, and planning. And I am finally here-what am I supposed to be thinking and feeling? Ah, who knows? The trip here was uneventful, yet God's presence was truly apparent in the little things: Chris' flight was early to Chicago giving us plenty of time to board for London, we got to switch seats and sit next to each other, I picked the perfect book for the journey here: Eat, Pray, Love. It is a lovely read and filled with many insightful lessons. On the plane from London to Kenya, there were over 200 empty seats on the plane which meant that we got the run of it. We sat in the bulk head and then when it was time for sleeping, we each got our own row of 3 seats to slumber in. The flight attendants were fun and lovely to chat with. And the best part: all of our luggage arrived here with no problems! I am staying in a house far, far nicer than I ever could have hoped for. I have my own room with my own private bathroom. There is hot water that pours from the shower whenever I so desire to take one (a nice switch from the summer for certain) and I have a comfortable bed, a desk, and a large closet. I have yet to see a house lizard (they frequent the houses in Uganda at night) which has been the best blessing yet I think. I have electricity in my room and we have internet in the house (although it is not always the most reliable). I believe, by George, that I am in heaven :) The house is a guest house and is run by 2 lovely Franciscan nuns. Sister Theresita is older and a stern grandmother-like type but very loving and sweet. Sister Eddie is younger and a lot of fun. She announced over dishes the other night that we were now sisters. Last night Sister Theresita told me I was now her daughter. I am glad to have family here already. Jet lag has been my downfall thus far. It has me so exhausted all the time-it is throwing off my sleeping and eating. I cannot wait until I am adjusted to the time difference. The transition between YouthWorks and Kenya has been much harder than I planned for and dreamed it would be. The end of YouthWorks was a whirlwind that passed before I even blinked and left me tired, crabby, stressed out, and missing San Fran and my staff like crazy during my time at home which, of course, made things tense with my family. I didn't feel like our time together was put to it's best use considering I hadn't seen them for 3 months and I was about to take off again for a year. However, they stayed sane and loving through the entire 2 days and I love them all the more for it. I just wish I could have used my time with them more efficiently. However, I had no idea what was going on the whole time. As soon as I got to Kenya though I began to wish things had gone better while I was home. It's also quite lonely here in Kenya. Don't get me wrong, I am so glad to be here and I am excited to see what the semester here brings, but I feel so overwhelmed with all of these feelings and I am without the ease of picking up the phone and calling a best friend to work through it with. Of course I have email and that has been great-the people who have been consistently on the other end without fail have saved me-but I miss conversation with people who know me well and know the exact advice to give me. I miss being able to process through things with others. I can't wait until 2 of my favorite people in the world join me in Uganda in December :) The plus of not having anyone however has been what I have turned to in order to fill the gap. I have been journaling consistently-not average journaling, no-but thoughts, prayers, and praises to God about anything and everything. It turns out that He is the BEST friend and listener a girl could ask for. I am shamed that it took placing me on another continent away from all of my friends and family for me to realize this, but I am extremely glad that I did. Someone recently shared something quite amazing with me: in an interview with Mother Theresa before she died, she was asked what she did to pray. She responded that mostly she just listened to God. When asked what He said, she replied that He mostly just listened as well. For me, this is strikingly beautiful and something that not many people strive for-the ability to just BE in the divine presence of God-just listening to each other. The hustle and bustle of daily life surely diminishes one's capacity to do this. It is my goal to get there one day. I am coming to believe that God is sending me some sort of sign. Over and over again. I spent the summer living in San Francisco, hearing all about how it was named after a saint I had not spent much time learning about ever before: St. Francis of Assisi. I am thinking about doing an internship at St. Anthony's Foundation in San Fran next summer-a community of Franciscans. Now, I find myself in a huge community in the middle of Kenya of all places-of Franciscans. I live with 2 of them, I met the coolest Franciscan Friar today, and about 1/2 of the students at my university here are priests or nuns. Sister Eddie and our cook, Nora, are both telling me that I should become a nun. Ha! I told them I am too boy crazy for that profession. But I believe that there is something that God wants me to take from this St. Francis character, or from Franciscan spirituality or something of the like. We shall see, but as of now, I am paying attention :) Kenya is much different than Uganda and I am finding that I like being pleasantly surprised by my expectations not being fulfilled in the way I thought they would be. I like that things are different and that I am not completely comfortable yet. Although being so far outside of my comfort zone that I seem to have permanently misplaced it, is draining and a bit frightening when you realize it and have no hole to scamper off to. It's a bit like being a gopher and you venture out of your hole and then a fox comes and you can't remember your way back and have no where to hide for miles. Perhaps not that dramatic ;) We went to the market today and I loaded up on fruit-mangoes, bananas, papayas, pineapple, and watermelon. My dream come freaking true. Heck yes. Love it! At dinner, I had 1/2 a mango, a banana, and a huge slice of pineapple. So good... We took matatus to get there. They are the public transportation here. They are 15 passenger vans that they often squeeze more like 18 into and are about the size of 7 passenger minivans in the states. Music is blasting so you can't hear anything and they swerve so much that you have to hunch over as much as possible to avoid hitting your head on the ceiling. We almost died like 4 times and I believe I saw one with some chickens in it today. Luckily I was not inside that one. I think that about does it for now. In case I missed you on the email list, here is my address here in Kenya: (I will write back) Martha Kaempffer P.O. Box 15155- Code 00509 Langata, Nairobi Kenya Skype me anytime: kaemp002 And of course email works too: mtkaempffer@csbsju.edu Asante sana for reading :) More soon!

The summer I spent serving in San Francisco

2009-08-12T18:35:00.000-07:00

Wow. When I began the summer, I meant to write every week. I suppose that just goes to show how crazy a YouthWorks summer gets. Especially one in San Francisco! I have so so so much to say about the summer that I spent serving in San Francisco. Too much. This summer rocked me to the core. It changed the way I view everything-the way I want to live my life. Let's start with the city: San Fran is the 2nd most populated city in the U.S. (The first being NY city). It is extremely dense (and foggy and cold) as well as diverse. Only 1/3 of the population of SF is native-born and raised. Another 1/3 is immigrants. 1/5 of the population will be completely changed out and replaced by next year. Crazy huh? Things are always moving and changing there. Most of the ministries that we worked with were in a place called the Tenderloin. It is the poorest district in San Francisco, only covering about 25 square blocks. It is a little triangle on the map in the middle of the city. On one side are all the government buildings, on the other the richest neighborhood in San Fran-Knobb Hill, and on the other-Union Square and all of the fanciest stores and hotels. All of these people have been pushed into this area of 25 square blocks. There are absolutely no residential homes or apartments in the Tenderloin. Zero. However, there are about 18,000 people that call the Tenderloin home. They live in what are called SRO's or Single Room Occupancy Hotels. They are old, run down hotels that people live in. There are no kitchens and the conditions are not anything that a human being should have to live in. They cost between $600-$1,000/month. A typical government check in SF is around $659/month. Even if living in a bottom line SRO, this leaves like $60 for food, clothing, medical expenses, etc. That's nothing. A person would have to work 195 hours/week in San Francisco at minimum wage ($9.00 there)in order to afford a basic place to live. The cost of living is insane there. Over 12,000 additional people remain still homeless in the Tenderloin. That's 30,000 people living in the Tenderloin-25 square blocks remember. On top of the housing situation, over 200 businesses in the Tenderloin have liquor licenses. It is easier to get alcohol in the Tenderloin than it is to buy a loaf of bread. How sick is that? We look down on these people for turning to substances to deal with their problems, yet bombard them with it and place them in an impossible situation with it. Not fair. Over 92% of the women in the Tenderloin are fleeing battered and abusive homes. 1 in 4 people you meet are veterans down there. I saw more drug use than I can count. I saw hatred for people and for life there. I saw darkness and grief. I saw the lost and the lonely down there. But I also found God there. I found Him working in the hearts of these people, right there where I never expected He would be. He was in the darkness and created light. He was the hope that I saw in eyes and faces I encountered. He was the love that I found there. I found a beautiful community of people there who knew and cared for and looked out for each other. My heart was broken so many times and my attitude was checked and my stereotypes and walls broken down by these people and my experiences there. I fell in love with them and with the ministries that we worked with. I also fell in love with 4 crazy wonderful individuals who were my support, my family, my challenge, and my growth this summer. Tom, Cecka, Maria, and Emma are a staff that I couldn't have picked better myself, for they were placed with me this summer by God. Tom was the best leader I've ever had. He challenged me and spoke truth to me and humbled me and taught me by his actions. Cecka, my sweetheart, was a strong force of faith and love and peace for me and supported me and laughed with me and loved me, also leading by example and action in her faith. Together, married, they were an example of what I want a relationship to be like someday, in Christ, a partnership, and a bond so strong and so dependent on God. It was incredible to witness and to be a part of. Maria and I were so different, but so similar as well. She challenged me and frustrated me because we were both blind by our own tiredness and frustrations but I learned so much from her example and her quiet strength and compassion for others, especially me. She was a force of joy and light in the lives of the children she worked with this summer. Miss EMMA was hilarious and a force to reckon with. She taught me patience and compromise and the release involved in letting things go and loving despite frustration. She is an example of faith and leadership and kindness. All of these people are near and dear to my heart and were placed in my life this summer to teach me all of these things and more lessons that I have not even discovered yet I'm sure. I miss all of them very much and I am praying for their transitions back home. :) I have so much more to say, but Dunn Bros is kicking me out and I want to go home and spend time with my family. Tomorrow I go to Africa for a year. After all the sweat, hard work, tears, and deliberation, I'm leaving in around 12 hours. My bags are packed and in theory I'm ready to go. Like I said, I have so much more to say... Perhaps I'll drag out my computer at the airport tomorrow and say it. For right now, pray for me :) I love you all!

Surprising

2009-06-20T11:26:00.000-07:00

The title of this post is the word that I used in our one-word prayer on Thursday night before the foot-washing ceremony. Our group went around and all said a word in prayer that described our experiences for the week. It was amazing to hear all of the different responses. The word that came to mind for me almost instantly, was "surprising." Surprised is exactly what I have been countless times in the past month. (I can't believe that I have been gone for a month already!!!) First, I was surprised, shocked even, that before coming on this trip, I had no desire whatsoever to be in a city working as Urban Staff for YouthWorks. In my interview, I asked to be placed on a reservation working with kids. Oh how wrong I was. I now can't imagine being anywhere else than where I am, doing what I'm doing, with the people that I am with. It is more than obvious to me that I was meant to be here. Not only to I love being Urban staff, but I am getting good at it. I enjoy working with the marginalized and being able to see tons of different awesome ministries in action. Another surprising thing is how much I enjoy being able to interact with the youth. I was really worried at the beginning of the summer because of how much I hated high school and that I would not have anything in common with or be able to connect with the youth. But this first week was awesome! And although I am enjoying the day and a half of quietness that I have before the next group comes, I miss them. I loved seeing their eyes opened to the issues of San Francisco and seeing the change that came over them throughout the week. I loved seeing God working in them and through them. It brought back so many memories and feelings of when I was a youth on a YouthWorks trip a few years back. It is cool to be able to know exactly what they are feeling and going through. This is not to say that I wasn't challenged by one or two of them, but I took that as more of a challenge to love on them despite that. They were great and I am so glad that I will be getting the chance to walk on this part of their journey with them. I'm also so surprised at how much I have a heart for urban ministry. I haven't been to any of the touristy areas except for the Golden Gate bridge and the beach. I've spent the majority of my time in the poorest district of San Francisco. It's called the Tenderloin. The poverty is immense and intense. The cost of living in San Fran is insanely high. A 2 bedroom apartment is over $1,800 a month. A person working at minimum wage would have to work about 190 hours a week in order to afford an apartment. It is so hard to support yourself here, much less have sustainable hope for change. I have been able to see the reality of the poverty here and it has really affected me. There are five main groups of people in the Tenderloin: mentally ill, addictively ill (drugs and alcohol), veterans, women fleeing abuse, and the working poor. Other groups are immigrants, people with HIV/AIDs, the elderly, and more. Even though i have only been here for a few weeks, I have already seen some pretty intense things. I have gotten to become more comfortable walking the streets in the Tenderloin. I hate that I feel so unsafe walking downtown by myself, because most of the people I pass on the street are harmless and wonderful. But I still have that fear when I'm alone that someone tripping out on something will not take no for an answer. But I am getting to a point where I know the district and the streets well enough to avoid certain corners or to tell when something is going down or when someone is strung out. It's still pretty intense and I could not imagine being able to survive on the streets and I feel so much for the people who have no other option and so lucky that I do. That's not to say that I haven't met some incredible people down there. I have had the chance to talk with and serve and eat with some amazing people with incredible stories and I wouldn't trade those experiences for anything. I am blessed to be able to be a part of this community for the next couple of months. It is so diverse and beautiful. I was also surprised at how much I needed this summer to heal and to forgive. I came off of this year completely burnt out and broken. The RA job wrecked me and hurt me in so many ways. I came here not knowing what to expect from working on another team and not being able to trust my staff. I was so hurt from that job and I was terrified that this experience would be a repeat of that. But I have been so wrong. My staff, even though I have only known them for about a month, is like my family. They support me and encourage me and always have my back no matter what they have going on. They are committed to each other and they love each other, faults included. They are inspirations to me in their faith, their actions, their service, and their words. I can't tell you how thankful I am to have them and to learn from them this summer. They are so fantastic. I need this summer to forgive people as well and not only the RA people, but others as well. I have such trouble letting go and being able to open myself up again after I have been hurt. I need to not forget, but accept people's faults and be willing to trust again. It is a process where I know not a starting point, but that I am committed to. The last major thing that I have been surprised by is how much God has been present in this experience. He has sent me here and I went even though I have been terrified at moments about my ability to be able to do the job and survive the summer and be the best example of love and servant-hood to these youth that I can be. And He has never left or deserted me. I have felt his continuous presence the whole time no matter how much I have wanted to give up. As my staff likes to say, I'm getting "messed up" in the best way possible and I am loving every second of it. I am truly learning the meaning of "faith"-to be able to take the next step when you can't see where you are going to land. But you take it because you trust that you are being led in the right direction, and down the right path. I believe. And I trust. That's all for now, I'm headed to Haight St. (Hippie Hill!) and to the beach for the afternoon! Last thing, here's my address: Martha Kaempffer YouthWorks! 3355 19th Ave. San Francisco, CA 94132 I love letters, and my staff and I all love homemade cookies!!! :) Here's a link to pictures so far... http://www.facebook.com/posted.php?id=500087188&share_id=110799701196&ref=nf#/album.php?aid=2720939&id=13961283 Enjoy!

San. Fran. Cisco!!!

2009-06-03T22:16:00.000-07:00

It's absolutely crazy that I've already been in San Francisco for like 3 days! It already seems like forever since we rolled in from Denver. Let me fill you in: training week was nuts! We went all day everyday-there was always something going on. I met my team and I loved them instantly-they truly are great and were put in my life for a purpose this summer I can tell. All of the other people were wonderful too and I fell in love with them as well. I was totally beat when the week was done, but it was fun and well worth it-I learned a lot. Then we got into cars early Saturday morning and drove across Colorado, Wyoming, Utah, and finally into Nevada where we stayed the night. Then we woke up and drove some more across the rest of Nevada and then all the way across California! I was so exhausted after that... Then we were finally in SF and it is incredible! It is the second densest city in the U.S. and you can definitely tell-things are packed so closely together, I can't even believe it. The hills are HUGE! Tonight we were going up on at honestly like a 45 degree angle. Crazy. You can be in one neighborhood and then go another block and be in a completely different kind of neighborhood and then go two more blocks and be in yet another one. The diversity is amazing-a lot of immigrants come here so there are lots of Latinos, Chinese, and African Americans, etc. I love it. So many different people. It's a beautiful city with so many special places, I can't wait to keep exploring it throughout the summer! We are staying in an old Baptist church that is pretty big and really nice. Sleeping on an air mattress is already making me ache, but we do have shelves in our rooms for clothes and stuff which was unexpected and super nice to have. I really like the building and our kitchen rocks! We also have a courtyard which is beautiful and has flowers and plants and a fountain. It's perfect if it's sunny, which it has been for the last two days! Work started right away on Monday morning when I began calling our ministry partners and setting up appointments. We work with a bunch of different organizations, all of which I am really excited about! The first is the Salvation Army Warehouse where we'll process clothes and put hygiene kits together and sort through toys. I've also met with the local YMCA Senior Annex where two weeks out of the summer, we'll be helping senior citizens from the area so a couple of craft projects. Today, I met with Project Open Hand which delivers hot meals to home-bound people with HIV/AIDS and also has a grocery center for other people with needs. My favorite thus far was St. Anthony's which serves meals to the homeless in the Tenderloin District, one of the poorest in SF. They have such a heart for the poor and marginalized and they truly believe in solidarity and also put it into practice. They believe in "Preaching the Gospel, and when necessary using words." It is a truly beautiful organization. There are more parts to it as well like a bag lunches program and also counseling and health services and other like things. Today they served over 1,900 meals! Most of the people that go there are either Veterans, in AA or NA, have a mental illness, HIV/AIDS, and other like problems. They have a beautiful ministry and idea and I get to go back next week with my staff and prepare lunch for the people and serve it to them and then eat with them. I cannot wait. I ask that all of you keep these beautiful, yet marginalized people in your hearts and prayers. That's about all for now. It's late and I'm exhausted and the rest of my staff has already headed to bed. More when I can for sure. I miss everyone very much and also Minnesota because it's so cold here! :P

Leaving on a Jet Plane... (so they tell me)

2009-05-22T22:08:00.000-07:00

Well it has just been forever since I've written, goodness. A quick one-word summary of the time that has passed since I last wrote is: crazy! The semester absolutely flew by. I find myself now regretting that I willed it by so quickly in order to get on to what I deemed the more exciting upcoming part of my life. It was the hardest semester I've had so far, by far. Although I lucked out and had no exams this semester, the papers and reading were quite overwhelming. I remember asking many people for advice on how to handle it all and how to get everything done. But I did it! I got through it and did amazingly well :) I took it one day at a time and didn't focus on the grades, just the learning part. I learned so so much and I LOVED my classes. I read some amazing books, had some incredible discussions and was challenged in so many ways. Which explains that while I'm glad the workload is over, I was not quite ready to be done with the semester. The good-byes were also tough. I will miss my residents quite a bit and my friends were tough to see go as well. I will miss my graduated friends dearly and I cannot wait to see where their lives take them! I hope my path will cross with theirs many times over in the future. I have also said good-bye (for now) to many other amazing people. I will also miss them dearly and wish them the best. So the semester ended and I came home and crashed for a few days-read, slept, helped my dad in the yard, hung out on the deck, slept, and then began to pack and get organized and ready to go for the next year or so. And so the past two weeks have been filled with list making, shopping, saying more good-byes to local friends, and gathering things up to take with me. As the date of departure gets nearer and nearer, I find myself getting more and more nervous... It's weird that I have been planning and counting down until my departure on my adventures for so long, but now that it is within reach, I am quite nervous. Yes, of course I am excited, but I really am leaving for over a year. That's a long time and I'm already missing people... So I leave tomorrow for YouthWorks. I have like 12 hours left at home! That's it! I'm flying to Denver in the morning where I will have a week of training. Then on Saturday morning, I will depart with my staff (which consists of 3 other amazing people) and drive from Denver to San Francisco, where I will be for the entire summer! For those of you who don't know, YouthWorks is a non-demominational organization that facilitates mission trips for middle school and high school youth. They have around 80 sites all around the U.S. that church groups (also from all around the U.S.) travel to for a week of service and spirituality. I went on 6 mission trips with them in middle/high school. I will be working as an Urban Staff member for the summer and I will be in charge of anywhere from 10-25 ministry sites ranging from homeless shelters, food shelves, kids programs, nursing homes, etc. I will be in charge of managing the sites that we send our participants to and dictating who goes where and when. It's going to be crazy and a whole lot of work! I can't wait to meet members of the community, my staff, the participants, and everyone else that crosses my path this summer! Prayers for energy, efficiency, patience, dedication, and my sanity would be great :) At the end of the summer, I'll drive back to Denver with my staff, and then we'll have a couple of days there to wrap everything up and then I'll be flying back to MN on the night of August 10th. Then I have a couple of days in MN until I leave again for Kenya on August 13th. It's going to be an insane couple of days to say the least. During the summer, I shouldn't be hard to get in contact with. There's my blog, first of all which I will try my hardest to update often. Then there is my cell phone which I'll have all summer so feel free to call! My email address is: mtkaempffer@csbsju.edu and I'll be checking that often so use it! I'm not sure what my address is in SF, but as soon as I get it, I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to receive letters from anyone and everyone!!! I also have Skype (my main form of communication in Africa) and my username is: kaemp002. Otherwise facebook is always cool :) Please keep me updated on all of your amazing lives! Even if I can't respond right away, I would love to hear about it! I want to quickly reflect on a question recently posed to me. Our theme for the summer is "Free"- and more specifically the verse from Galatians 5:13-14. "You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: "Love your neighbor as yourself."" I was asked this: What is it that you need to be free from? I'm struggling with that question a lot right now, because I feel like I need to be free from so much in order be to able to focus solely on loving my neighbors as myself. Life offers so many distractions which prevent me from wholly dedicating myself to this experience and the community that I will be serving in this summer. But I feel as if I am not ready to detach myself from these things right now. Like the incredible people that I have surrounded myself with and gotten so close to and learned so much fun. I'm not sure that I was ready to say good-bye (or as Ashleigh says, 'see you later') just yet and I feel that I am leaving with many strings attached to these people. These distract me from being fully present to my experience. While I don't need to forget these people, I need to move forward and be free enough to be completely present to my work and my service this summer. I also feel that way about CSB. I felt really sad leaving a place that has been so instrumental in my growth and learning and I have a deep love for the place. But like the people in my life, I need to move forward and be okay with leaving it for right now. Because I'll be back. I also need to be free from old habits, unhealthy relationships, sarcasm, and negative feelings in order to be fully present to the experience and in order to lower my barriers and humbly be able to love others as myself. Freeing myself from all of this won't be easy, but I am trying... Prayers for this would be nice as well :) Alright then, I have so much more to say about random things-ideas that I've been toying with and such-but I want to go and spend some time with my family before I leave tomorrow. Thanks for reading and I miss you very much! Next update as soon as I can!

The Edge

2009-03-10T19:44:00.000-07:00

I have not been able to write in a while, but believe me I've been itching to... I'm about to start a large battle with all sorts of papers and such though so I have been trying to get ahead with the reading aspect of my homework so I have ample time to write them. Thus, no time for writing. But as soon as I can, or at least can't stand not writing any longer, I'll let it all spill out, for I've been planning what to say for quite a while :) Preview of what is to come: spring break at Anathoth, reflections on non-violence, nuclear weapons, political activism, natural human rebellion, my educational experience and oppression, the meaning of freedom in society and government, the ethics of aid, and a few other things that have been on my mind :) But, I did write something tonight that I kind of liked... I wrote it for Campus Ministry's The Edge. It's like an email newsletter that goes out every week or so and our SSJ staff takes turns writing for it. This time, the section I wrote for is called Stand Aware and I had to write about human rights. Here it is: Human rights. Human rights. Human rights. Human rights. It is easy to look past this phrase: to look past the real meaning these two powerful words hold. Why? Because it is difficult to imagine the HUMANITY in every single other human being on the planet. I mean, there are more than 6 BILLION other humans out there. It is hard to grasp the concept that every single other human being is just like you: they have similar needs, thoughts, experiences, dreams, and aspirations that you do. Every single human, no matter what they look like or where they live; each person contains this common element of being human and being created by God. The enormity of the number of other human beings out there kind of takes your breath away doesn’t it? It’s easy to just remain in the ‘statistics’ mindset where people are just a numbers and figures. But move past that. See the people that make up the numbers. God created every single one, just like He created you and me. Whether they are people in China, France, Australia, Botswana, Guatemala, or here, in the

United States

, we all share at least one thing in common: our humanity.

With our humanity come certain needs; basic rights should be guaranteed to every single human being. On a basic level these basic needs are things like: access to clean water, food, shelter, clothing, an education, personal security, etc. These things are secondary and taken for granted by people like you and me. We easily forget that a huge portion of the human beings in our world are not getting these basic things. Things like poverty, disease, war, abuse, torture, the degradation of the environment, genocide, poor education systems, etc. run rampant in our world today. It is easy to let the humanity of the people suffering through these atrocities slip away when we hear the statistics. We must not do this any longer! Every single human being on this planet, all 6 billion of us, have the right to clean water, food, shelter, clothing, an education, the ability to feel safe, to not be tortured, to live in a world free of conflict, genocide, and hatred.

God calls us to: “Speak out for those who cannot speak, for the rights of all the destitute. Speak out, judge righteously, defend the rights of the poor and needy” (Proverbs 31:8-9).

What are you doing to speak out for human rights? What will you start doing to speak out for the rights that all humans should be guaranteed?

Take this week dedicated to the rights of human beings everywhere to learn about an issue related to human rights and to educate others around you about it. Have a conversation, write a letter, make a phone call, come to an Amnesty International meeting, participate in a protest for the betterment of the human condition, BE the change you wish to see in the world. Do it because it could have easily been you without these basic rights. Do it because if you were in their shoes, you would pray for someone somewhere else to speak out for you. Do it because God calls us to action. Just do it.

It's not much, just my need to awaken the fire for justice in people. Hopefully it opens someone's eyes...

Have a good week everyone! I'll write again when I get a chance or need a break :)

The Opposite of Love

2009-02-24T17:30:00.000-08:00

I've really been struggling lately with apathy and the best way to deal with it. I've heard friends talking about their encounters with people who 'just don't seem to care' in their classes and in their daily lives, but I suppose I hadn't really considered the enormity and general impact of this until now. In my Politics and Political Life class, I believe I am one of the only people, if not the only person, who cares. Here is a direct quote from last class: "Our group talked about it and we don't think that there are any causes that people would fight or die for these days." We have just read 1968, about the civil rights, feminist, and anti-war movements, etc that took place around the world. We have also just read Plato's Apology, and A Man of All Seasons (a more modern version of the apology about the life of Sir Thomas More who wrote Utopia). The people in these books all stood up for what they believed in and were persecuted and sometimes died for their beliefs. Many were martyrs and people to be admired and followed. I couldn't believe that these people (Political Science majors nonetheless!) were saying that there were no causes currently that people would protest, fight, be persecuted, or die for! I could think of 20 right now that get me upset enough to want to do fight as hard as I can for as long as I can to fix them. In fact I think it might be a shorter list of issues that I don't care about that much. And I know tons of other people like me personally. Not to mention the people all over the world right now that are fighting and dying for their causes. What world do my classmates live in and what other things are they finding so important as to not recognize a cause when they see one and to not care about it when they do? I was shocked into not being able to say anything during class and also not feeling comfortable doing so. I had so many things to say that I didn't know where to start and I figured if I let myself go off like I wanted to, I would harden more hearts than I would open. I wrote my professor an email instead explaining my lack of participation. He wrote me back and said that he supported me and that if I was willing to open my mouth and fight for activism and 'my cause' that he would make sure it didn't get out of hand. He said that unfortunately, he had not been surprised the the passive indifference shown by my classmates-that he was no longer surprised by it. He said that he hoped that I could restore his faith in student activism. I fully plan on doing so. Perhaps it is because I am such a black and white person, that I do not understand the ability of a person to be apathetic, but I cannot bring myself to 'see the other side' on this one. How can you know that others in the world are suffering from things like hunger, poverty, poor education, racism, discrimination, violence of war, ethnic and religious conflict, environmental degradation, torture, rape, etc and not care enough to be moved to do something about it. Not only that, but not care enough to be able to completely ignore the presence of these things in our world altogether? I simply do not understand... Perhaps it is easier not to care. Because caring entails the responsibility to do something. Caring entails that you have to feel sympathy and emotion for someone other than yourself and your family and friends-for people you don't even know. It takes time, energy, and lots of effort to care. For sure, caring is really difficult-there's no question. But the price of apathy is much worse than the price of caring. I also think that people are distracted by other things. I think that people are distracted by the media, by technology, and by money. The media bombards the public with things they want to hear about: much of it in the form of something scandalous that can be break room gossip. They are censored by the government and tightly controlled so that we can't see the things that the government does not want us to see. This way, they can avoid another Vietnam-where people were getting blown up on living room TVs-if people saw the soldiers' bodies being carried off the planes or saw the soldiers getting blown up by children carrying bombs, I believe they would care and be moved to do something about it. Instead, they are put into a government-regulated comfort zone of ignorance. There is a quote by Adolf Hitler that I really like: "What good fortune for governments that people don't think." It is completely true. Technology distracts us in obvious ways-by making things so fun and available all the time, people have less boredom and incentive to check out the news. Instead they can watch their favorite movie or TV show on the go or check the latest sports updates. For many, with technology, news becomes second rate. Money is the driving force behind everything. Money is the reason we go to school, get a job, work ourselves to death, etc. It ruins relationships and is a division among people. I hate what money does to people. I hate the way it changes people and rules lives. I hate the way that it has the ability to motivate people and be an incentive for people. How much different would our lives be if we didn't have to worry about money? It's incredible to think about. I think that money provides an incentive for apathy. Because people are motivated to get it, and some are willing to do anything to get it, people get high paying jobs which often don't benefit anyone but themselves and do more harm than good in the world. It doesn't pay well to care and to do something to help other people. It doesn't pay well to fight. But it pays later. It pays off when the world is a better place and changed for the good because you fought, you sacrificed, and you were persecuted. It will pay off when poverty and violence end and when all people are seen and treated as equals to each other. That is when the pay-off will be. And it will be better than any pay off money can give. The apathy scares me. What does it take to get people motivated enough to act? What can I do to create action? To create a movement? To create enough love for other human beings to ignite a fire for change? The answers will come in due time I suppose. One more thing... I've been thinking a lot lately about signs from God. I don't necessarily believe that if I'm looking for answers God will place the exact answer word for word, direction for direction, in front of me. I don't believe that He intends to answer all of our problems or prayers, but to challenge us to find the answer and our own way ourselves. I believe that He has a purpose for every person, but that He gives us free will to make our own decisions and to choose our own paths. He places challenges in front of us and obstacles in our journey. He creates our choices, challenges, and obstacles, and the paths they place in front of us. I believe in free will because I don't necessary think that God intended for people to be things like prostitutes or soldiers, but that he placed the choice in front of them and they chose of their own free will. God is not absent from the hearts of these people, but did not necessarily choose their path for them. I think that God does give us signs however. I do believe He graces us with people and things in our lives that were placed there in certain moments to be His voice to us. Last semester, I talked to 3 different people, who don't talk to each other at all, about the same dilemma I was having. They all advised me to do the same thing, in the same wording. I truly felt like God was speaking to me through these people and when I wasn't getting it the first time, He sent 2 other people to tell me and to help me out. Today, I was having a rough morning-I didn't get a lot of sleep and I had to be up early for a meeting I didn't necessarily want to go to and I have tons of work to do-and I walked outside on my way to my meeting and the sun had just risen, the campus was quiet and bathed in golden light. It was warmer than it had been in weeks and I even heard birds chirping. Snow was melting and I could smell just a hint of spring in the light breeze blowing past my nose. It put a smile on my face and allowed me to relax and smile. I know this was God reminding me of the beauty in life and that everything would get done and work itself out. He knew I needed a pick-me-up and sent it my way. I love trying to find the ways that God is active in my daily life by sending things like that my way. I also believe God gives gifts through things like nature and people. He allows us to appreciate the beauty of His creation and to live in it. He allows us to meet people and appreciate the value of each individual and how He created them special. I pray that I am always able to pick out God working in my life. :) That's it for tonight... I have an unbelievable amount of work piling up. More soon to come I expect. I just couldn't work before getting this out :)

weird point?

2009-02-16T20:04:00.000-08:00

First things first: I'm going to Africa!!! My amazing parents decided to co-sign the loans I would need if I don't get the scholarships and grants that I am applying for. I am so excited. I cannot wait! In 6 months, I'll be in Kenya!!! Oh my gosh... :D Ha. As usual, I don't really have a purpose to this. I just felt the build-up of 'stuff' again and found myself on my blog... Funny how that works isn't it? ... I've been noticing lately that I've been more content to be by myself. I've had a few setbacks that have really upset me recently and because I always put on a strong, independent outer exterior, I feel like I can't share my true feelings about these setbacks with others sometimes. This has essentially caused me to be somewhat crabby and much more sarcastic than usual in an effort to push those around me away so it is easier to hide my feelings. It has worked quite well. I've apologized to the people that I have hurt recently and I feel sincerely sorry for acting in such a childish way. But I have not necessarily gone running back to the relationships I've distanced myself from. I noticed that I like being alone right now and I like reflecting on myself and trying to grow more spiritually and personally. I haven't felt as if I have necessarily needed to share my feelings with everyone and I have been able to protect myself from being vulnerable to other people. I realize that this is not a good thing most of the time-this not trusting people and not being able to take down my strong and independent front in front of others. I've always struggled with this. But I feel as if I have made strides with certain relationships as far as building on them and strengthening them. I have really opened up to a few people and have been able to share some personal feelings with them and they have been able to do the same with me. I now treasure those relationships and depend on them and feel comfortable in them. This is something new for me and I am really enjoying having these people in my life. I thank God that He has brought these people into my life. They are truly incredible. So I suppose it is not that I have pushed everyone away, but that I have grown closer to a few and have realized that I am in a phase of my journey where being alone is important and needed. I feel like I have a lot of growing and changing to do for myself before I am ready to share my light with others. So I am learning from my setbacks and from my relationships and working on changing myself and my outlook. All in the name of becoming the change that I want to see in the world. :) Ha I feel as if that was very jumbled and started with one point and kept leaping to others... Perhaps it will become more clear for me later. I have been pondering the idea of getting a spiritual director. I really would like one. I feel as if it would help me a lot on my journey and perhaps help me to see things I would not have otherwise seen. I feel as if I would find new direction and outlets for my spirituality. I admire and trust the Benedictines on campus so much, I would love to take advantage of their presence and see what I can accomplish with their guidance. I have already learned so much from them. I have been truly blessed lately to have really realized in my heart of hearts that God gives each and every person a purpose when He creates them. Everyone has a part to play. But not everyone realizes the part they were supposed to play during their lifetimes. The purpose He gave me is big. I am so incredibly lucky to have realized my purpose so early and to have been given such a fire for fulfilling it. Sometimes it is difficult for me to see other people going about daily life in somewhat of a fog. I want to scream at them sometimes "Wake up! See what is right in front of you! Realize your potential and your purpose and the love that God has for you!" Because I have so much of God's light inside of me, it is hard for me to understand and comprehend what it is like for people who have not found it yet. I pray for those people as well-that they are able to find their purpose and their passion. I pray that the fire in their hearts is lit as mine is. I suppose I'm at a weird point on my journey at this exact moment. On the one hand, I am quiet, reserved, and pensieve thinking about everything. There is not any one thing that I could expound upon (besides Africa) that I could gush on and on about. On another hand, I am working tirelessly to become a better person and to become the change. On another hand, I love who I am and who I want to become. On yet another, I am exhilaratingly, mind-blowingly, breath-takingly, adrenaline-pumpingly excited for what is to come in my life and for what God has in store for me and for life in general-for the air I breathe and the sun in my face. My mood is an interesting one-with many contradictions. We'll see where I end up :) I can't wait. Can you?

Restless.

2009-02-02T15:15:00.001-08:00

I'm just so completely and utterly restless right now. I'm in the middle of a political ideologies paper-what is my ideology anyways-and I was just itching to write something else. Anything. Grr. I've been feeling a bit left out lately. I feel as if everyone is off on their adventures all around the world-I've got friends in Africa, the Middle East, China, Europe, and Latin America-and I'm here. In St. Joe. Just doing my thing. I've been so homesick (that's the only word I can think of to describe it) for Africa lately. I want to go back sooo bad. I've been looking at old pictures and talking to my friends from Uganda, and just thinking about it a lot in general. I miss the way of life, the friendly people, and the experiences I had there. I'm just ready for something new and exciting at this point. Ready for some new challenges and experiences. No, wait. Not ready for them, but absolutely needing something new. I want to be far away from here, where my work and frustrations lie and be somewhere where I can start over. I hope that people abroad realize how incredibly lucky they are. Now that it's off my chest, I want to forget about it and concentrate on what's going on here and how I can make the best of it and get all I can from it. I'm doing a lot of self-reflection lately and it has been really good. Ironically it has not involved other people-just me. I'm being my inquisitive self and taking time to think about new ideas and ways of thinking and being and I like what I'm discovering. Not quite ready to share much yet though. I caved last night and did the stupid 25 things note on facebook. It actually turned out a lot differently than I had thought it would and I laid out some interesting (and surprisingly personal) things about myself. Here are my 25: 1. I'm doing this in order to avoid my political ideologies paper. 2. This semester is the hardest I've ever had, but I'm learning invaluable things in classes that I really love. 3. I pick one Benedictine value to work on and improve on each week. This week is stability. 4. I think tea is amazing. I drink at least one cup everyday. It relaxes and invigorates me. I love honey in my tea-or just eating honey in general-with or without tea. Honey sticks are my absolute favorite. 5. It's possible that the word passionate describes me. Driven works too. 6. I have a long list of things I want to do in my life. I crossed a lot off this summer and plan to cross more off by the time I graduate. 7. I haven't told anyone yet, but I am considering going to law school. 8. Even with all of the suffering in the world, I have come to believe that being cold is one of the worst feelings ever. It's just a quirk. I'm always cold unless I'm sitting in a sauna-like environment-even then I may have an additional 4 blankets on. I can't fall asleep if my feet are cold-I've tried and it's impossible. 9. I have lost quite a few friends this year. And I'm okay with losing most of them. They never really understood me or tried to. 10. I am on a personal journey of change and growth towards God. I believe in Him with my whole heart and am learning everyday that He has a plan for me, that is bigger than I'll ever know. Some things are just out of my control and I have to go with it. God will never leave or fail me. Having blind faith is a conscious decision I make everyday. 11. I have a tattoo that means more to me than I ever thought it would when I got it. 12. I've been sky-diving and it was one of the most breath-taking and peaceful moments of my life. 13. I'm a free spirit that can't be tied down by the bonds of society or material. It is this that gives me my independence. It is this that made me donate lots of my possessions this year and makes me want to rid myself of still more of them. 14. I can count on one hand the number of people that really know ME. I am afraid that if I let people see just how passionate I am and if I let them know my real reasons for doing the things that I do, they will judge me. 15. I have a blog that I have not told many people about. 16. I have been to Africa and fell in love with everything about it. People think that I 'just love it' but rarely ask why. That hurts sometimes. 17. I lose serious respect for people who can't stand up for themselves or stand up to me. How will you ever make the difference God put you on this earth to make if you cannot fight for it? Everyone has a purpose. 18. I know that there is nothing in the world that I cannot do or accomplish. If I want to change the world, which I do, I will. That's all there is to it. 19. I have protested on campus, in St. Cloud, at the IRS in D.C. and at the Pentagon. It was one of the scariest, most life-changing experiences I've ever had and I'm glad I made myself do it. 20. I have a light inside of me that sometimes burns so brightly that I feel I have to dim it for the outside world. 21. I care about issues of social justice and human rights more than anyone really knows. It gets me at my core. I think I care so much because it is WRONG that so many people are suffering while most who aren't sit on their asses and watch it happen. I get angry when people say, "Well what can I do? I'm just one person..." Yes. You are just one person. Everyone is just one person. If everyone decided to change something and do something about it-change WOULD happen. So be the start of the revolution. 22. I believe in the inherent good in ALL people despite everything that I know and have seen. I also believe in theories of non-violence and that there is a way for it to work in every single situation. (aka I'm an idealist) 23. I am a black and white person. I see things with a moral lens. Either it is right or it isn't. Most of my arguments and grievances are because I don't believe that something is fair or right. I try to see the other side but am sometimes blinded by the fact that it simply is not right. 24. It scares me to know the things that I know and have the mission that I have in the world. But "your courage asks me what I'm afraid of." 25. I have a mission for all of you: "Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, as long as you ever can." And if that means starting small and doing "one thing everyday that scares you," so be it. I believe you can do anything you set your mind to. Some explanations perhaps: I am entertaining the idea of law school. I want to do something with human rights or international law. Or I would go to grad school for something like development studies, mediation, or some other topic related to peace studies. I want to earn my doctorate someday. I want to be as smart and know as much as my professors. I have a looong way to go... I have lost friends this year. I don't really want them back, as mean as that sounds. My life is currently drama free (with the exception of people who tell me about their drama) and it's amazing. The people that I've lost did not understand or try to understand me. They weren't really there for me and I wasn't really there for them. It was all fake and I feel lighter with the lack of fakeness in my life. :) That's not to say I don't miss them or the memories from time to time... I am a free spirit. I can feel my soul churn with recognition when the phrase comes up. It's times like these when I just have so many thoughts in my head and weighing in my heart that I feel so restless and tied down-I just can't sit still or focus. I know that at some point in my life I need to be free. I need to be free from people and responsibility and worries. I need to be able to do what I want when I want and to be able to make discoveries about life and about God. There is so much out there to be discovered and found out. Things that I was meant to find... There aren't many people who really know ME. For some reason, I am terrified of judgement. I am terrified of confiding in someone and having them hurt me. I know this and I'm working on trying to fix it, because being afraid to get close to people and have mutual love with them is not a good way to live. That's a major reason why I haven't shared this blog with most of the people I know. My passion is something personal and intense. It is what drives everything I do-all of my words and actions. It is a passion for living and breathing and racing with the winds of life as much as it is a passion for loving and knowing God as much as it is a passion for being free as much as it is a passion for changing the world and making it so no one is suffering as much as it is a passion for eliminating violence... It is the flame that burns in my soul which I screen from the world because of how blinding it is. It is this that I think makes me different from many, and it is this that makes me vulnerable to extinguishers in the world. What if, one day, I share my true light with someone and they blow it out? It's a legitimate concern. I do believe in the inherent good in all people. Every single one. It is simply a matter of finding it in someone. People's experiences and the forces that nuture them are powerful and have the power to influence and change people in scary ways. I sometimes imagine conversations with people like Joseph Kony. I imagine myself sitting down to talk to them and hearing their reasons and concerns and them listening to mine. I imagine forming solutions and reasoning with these people to fix conflicts and to change things. I honestly believe that people can be changed with reason and by someone who shows them love and care. And when I imagine these conversations, they aren't so unrealistic in my head... It is my pet peeve to hear people say "What can I do? I'm just one person..." I HATE that. Who raised them anyways. Anyone can do anything they put their minds to. Just because it might be difficult or hard or because it carries the possibility of failure, does not mean that you shouldn't try. It means you should give it everything you've got in you until you either succeed, fail, or die trying. Don't shy away from a challenge. Everyone knows about the 'others' out there suffering. It's just too difficult to care. To act. Sometimes I feel as if the world is sitting motionless around me. I choose to ignore that and free myself from it. I choose to life my life with an energetic love and passion that shatters the dullness and wakes the sleeping. I choose to spread God's love to the world to the fullest extent that it is needed. For it is not what you have to give, but what is needed that matters. ... Yes, the 25 did turn out differently than I had expected. :) One prayer request before I go: My dad decides this week if studying abroad is something we can financially do. It's been really tight lately, as it has been for so many in the world. Things are starting to roll with the trip, especially in Kenya and Uganda, so I'm really hoping that he decides that I can do this. Thinking about the alternative, it would be a rough couple of years if I wasn't able to. So along with your prayers for all those less fortunate and suffering, pop me in there too. Pray that I will be able to find the money and go. But if I can't, that's just God's plan isn't it? We shall see.

I Saw What I Saw

2009-01-22T16:45:00.000-08:00

A friend forwarded this video to me. I watched it not knowing what it would be about. And it turned out to be a song with lyrics and a message that I can't get out of my head. Here's the link to the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSdP6PqsbJY Her name is Sara Groves and the song is called "I Saw What I Saw." Here are the lyrics: I saw what I saw and I can't forget it I heard what I heard and I can't go back I know what I know and I can't deny it Something on the road, cut me to the soul Your pain has changed me Your dream inspires Your face a memory Your hope a fire Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of (what I am made of) And what I know of love We've done what we've done and we can't erase it We are what we are and it's more than enough We have what we have but it's no substitution Something on the road, cut me to the soul I say what I say with no hesitation I have what I have but I'm giving it up I do what I do with deep conviction Something along the road, changed my world I can't really put into words how much this song hits home for me. When I was in Uganda, and especially when I got back-- this is how I felt. The first stanza is exactly how I feel about what I witnessed. That's why my life revolves around working for justice. Because I can't forget what I've seen and heard, and what I know. I don't think that a person can forget something like that. I wish that everyone was required to spend some time in places like Africa so that they could see it, not forget about it, and be moved to action. If only... The line, "Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of (what I am made of)" has been resonating within my head all day. The courage and light shown by all of the people that I met while I was there--even in the face of terrible poverty, war, and other hardships--confronted my innermost fears. If they could do it, so could I. Their courage in the face of the things holding them down, asks me what am I going to do to help? What am I going to do to change their situation and make their lives better. Because they deserve to have everything I've got in me to give them-and more. So I am working on getting over my fear of giving myself completely. I have what it takes to make this world a better place for us all to live it. The fact that others can show that kind of inner resilience and strength tells me that I can too. I think that this is going to be one of those phrases which holds different meanings for me at different places along my journey. "I do what I do with deep conviction" and the two lines before that... The definition of conviction is " an unshakable belief in something without need for proof or evidence." I have an unshakable belief in God and in doing what is right. I have no evidence that this is the correct way to live life-according to God's will. My proof lies in my heart. So I learn about all of these 'causes', and I educate as many others as I can about them, and I serve those who are less fortunate and suffering, and I dedicate my life to trying to make this world a little better for all who live here because I know in my heart that it is what God intended for me to do. "Something along the road cut me to the soul... and changed my world." I don't know what it was or how it happened. But my journey has become this insatiable need to serve God and to be the change that the world needs to see. Needless to say, I loved this song.

Floating...

2009-01-20T13:33:00.000-08:00

So the first week of classes has come and gone. I'm a bit torn at this point. There have been many times over the past week where I have wanted to write. About the amount of homework, the lack of time, anxiety, etc. But I made myself stop. In reality, I love all of my classes. I have two Peace Studies classes-one on mediation and conflict resolution and the other on development. I have two Political Science classes-one on politics and political life and the other on international political economy. I am learning an infinite amount and I am so privileged to be here learning all that I am. So I will not complain about the amount of reading and homework that I have, but take it one day at a time and remain focused and excited about all that I am learning. Hey, I'm in college now-this is the big leagues right? I suppose I've been lucky up until now that the work load hasn't piled up like this. That said, this semester, I have been feeling differently about things. I am no longer in a bajillion meetings a day-I only have 4 or 5 a week. I spend most of my time reading for classes. I am working on the balancing act, trying to get everything I need to do done, so that I can have some personal time. I feel like I'm really craving some personal time at this point. Or at least time with a good friend, spent not talking about classes and stuff we have to do, but about real things-spirituality, God, life and living, and the list goes on. I'm working right now not to lose my sense of wonder at God's works because I'm holed up in my room all day reading. I'm working on trying to find a middle-point between being overly involved in all the things I had going on last semester and not being involved much beyond attending meetings for lack of time which leads to a lack of motivation and excitment over the actual things themselves. I've been struggling with how to spend my time. So many different things demand it-my residents, my friends, my family, my homework, Amnesty, Campus Ministry, sleep, personal time.... What to pick and choose? All of these are priorities-the top in fact. (I have already let everything else go). So I think I will just have to tough it out this semester and take it one day at a time and let go of the hopes and expectations I had for this time. God is trying to show me once again that I have no control and that I must trust where He leads me. So I'll be taking it one day, one book, one project, one resident, one friend, one moment of silence, at a time from now on. I was sitting in a campus ministry meeting last week. I was late (as usual) and I rushed into the room with an apologetic look on my face. They were in the middle of a beautiful song-I don't remember the artist, the title, or any of the words except one phrase. I sat down and was working on calming the rushed feeling I had in my body. All of a sudden, a phrase from the song made it's way into my train of thought-"He is with you always." And my body instantly warmed and I felt like huge hands were engulfing me in warmth and comfort and holding me close. And I smiled because I realized that even when I have no idea and the furthest thing from my mind is God-He's still there, right with me. He never leaves even when I pay Him no attention. It's an incredible feeling to know that I am loved that much and that I am never alone. What a great moment! On Saturday, I had dinner with my mom who was up on a retreat with some of her co-workers. We all had dinner together and I was talking to a man named John who I have met a few times and had great conversations with. He mentioned a quote that Bernie Evans said in his sessions with them. "What you give does not depend on what you have, but on what is needed." I have had a few days to think about it and I am still marveling at the truth and wisdom in the statement. I can be true not only on a personal level, but on a world-wide scale. Personally, you should give until nothing more is needed. This world is filled with so much suffering and tragedy that no one should ever give up or stop giving-regardless of what they have to give. People never run low on love-so if nothing else, we should give our love. To everyone and anyone who needs it. On a larger scale, I think it relates to the ethics of aid. How much do people actually stop to consider what the marginalized in the world really need beyond food, water, and shelter? How many times have countries stormed into other countries with an agenda of what is needed in that country without having any real knowledge at all? We all need to slow down and listen to each other's needs so that we can best figure out how to get everyone's needs met. I think it has to do with comfort levels-what you or I am comfortable giving, is not necessarily what is needed. If basic needs are not being met, that creates feelings of insecurity which can easily escalate into conflict and violence-both on personal and global levels. I'm not sure if any of this makes sense, I've only been toying with these ideas for a few days... Perhaps I'll take another stab at it next time. :) I watched the inauguration this morning. It was absolutely incredible. I watched history taking place. I know that this man is going to try his hardest to create a better world. I truly believe that he will make change happen. But he cannot do this alone and I hope that the American people realize this and continue to support and help him-that they don't just sit back and watch him work. This is our country, not his. WE need to make the change happen, not just him. So Barack, I support you. Americans, I support you too. My thoughts and prayers are with Obama and this nation as we begin this incredible journey. We can do this! It also occured to me what an incredible thing we have going for us in the United States. We have the ability to change leadership (especially when surrounded by controversy) peacefully and smoothly. There are many countries in the world that cannot conduct free, fair, and non-violent elections in which all citizens get their say in who leads them. There are places in the world where people die trying to cast their vote and voice their opinion. We are lucky to have stability and peace within our borders. Although I cannot condone some of the things our country has and is doing, today I was truly proud to be an American. I was proud to have taken part in such an amazing process. And I pray that someday, other countries are able to put aside their histories, conflicts, corruption, and violence and accomplish what we did today. These are just a few of the many things that have been floating in my mind lately. It's a bit all over the place and quite possibly completely incoherent. But I leave with something I found a while back that I return to every once in a while...

Do everything with a mind that lets go. Do not expect any praise or reward. If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace. If you let go completely, you will know complete peace and freedom. Your struggles with the world will have come to an end.

Life lessons from Beauty and the Beast?

2008-12-31T12:02:00.000-08:00

I've been sitting here trying to read my book for class next semester with a song stuck in my head. And not a whole song either, but just a part of it. It is from the song "Belle" from the movie Beauty and the Beast. "There must be more than this provincial life." I just looked up the song lyrics and other parts of the song include phrases like this: "Look there she goes that girl is strange no question. Dazed and distracted can't you tell? Never part of any crowd, 'cause her heads up on some cloud. No denying she's a funny girl that Belle." And, "I'm afraid she's rather odd. Very different from the rest of us. She's nothing like the rest of us..." Don't forget, "Look there she goes a girl who's strange but special. A most peculiar mademoiselle. It's a pity and sin , she doesn't quite fit in..." So I find two meanings in this timeless song. The first being something I have been thinking about a lot since I have been home for winter break. Living on a college campus allows for at times a certain blindness and it can be quite shocking when you are suddenly submersed in this 'real world.' Since being at home I have struggled with the questions, "What is the point of all of this?" This being the system in which so many find themselves wrapped up in. People go to school, get a degree, get a job, get married, have kids, maybe switch careers or spouses in there once or twice, go on some vacations, buy stuff while claiming to be 'providing for their families', and some end up rich, others in huge debt, and life is a constant comparison between what you have and what everyone else has, and then people die and their children repeat the process. And I've been home the past few weeks and have been able to pay witness to this system that my family is so deeply a part of. I'm not saying that there is anything shameful in this lifestyle whatsoever. It definitely has its challenges and rewards and great people participate. I simply can't fight the nagging feeling that there is so much more out there than this life. There is a purpose for life out there somewhere. I don't pretend to know what it is or how to find it but I know that I have to try to find it. I believe that God put us here for something more. I can feel it. And I believe it has something to do with living for God and with being God's love and light for other people. I think it has something to do with being free, willing, and open to the path set before you. And so much more. Therefore, I firmly believe that "there must be more than this provincial life." The second lesson to be taken here is more of something that I feel I can relate to. I talked in my last post about how I feel as if I don't fit in sometimes because of my views and beliefs and the lifestyle I wish to lead. I think Belle had the same problem. She wanted more than was the 'norm' and was thought of differently because of it. The townspeople knew she was different. But she was still herself and she didn't change for others. In fact by continuing being herself, she had an influence on the town and opened their minds to different perspectives. And so I think that is what I must work on. Even if I am uncomfortable and I would rather withdraw than be thought of as different, I want to push myself that much harder to be myself and perhaps influence others-I not only have to BE the change, but make sure that others can be witness to it. An important lesson :) With that, excuse me. I have a book to finish, a yearning to watch Beauty and the Beast, a resume to work on, and a new year to go celebrate!

My journey has begun...

2008-12-30T20:52:00.000-08:00

I started this blog a while ago. It's been a tab in my browser window for about a month now-right between my email and my facebook tabs. The tab is titled: "Blogger:BE the change.- Create ..." I haven't touched it or closed it out. It sits there taunting me every time I open my computer. I started something once but had no direction for it-that was the night I created my account. So here I am a month later, all of a sudden overcome with the urge to write something. So I clicked on the tab. And then in the "title" box. And came up with nothing. So I moved on to the text box and this is what I've got. I named the blog "Be the change" because it is something that I believe in. Throughout different times in my life, it has held different meanings for me. It used to mean create the change-I took it upon myself to do everything I could to change the world around me (as small as it was) with the goal that someday I would do something great and change the world. This year it has meant something different. There are a couple reasons for this I think. First of all my relationship with God has completely changed. It has become something of substance not somthing of show. It is tangible and real to me now. I depend on Him for so much and although it is a daily struggle and some days are better than others, I am learning to follow Him blindly-I am learning that God has His plan for me and that there are many things that I have no control over. And for the first time this is ok with me. I have faith that God will lead me to the places I need to be. One night comes to mind. I walked into my room late one night after hours of meetings with hours of homework to go. And I felt a wall of a building suffocation that had been storing up for weeks. It had reached a point where I could no longer ignore it. My material things were placing this huge weight on my shoulders and God was telling me to let it all go. And so I spent the next couple hours going through everything I had in my room and putting it in boxes. I ended up with three huge boxes of donations and a lot of garbage along with two free shelves in my closet and two free drawers. I was so overcome with emotion that I went for a walk in the freezing cold night air in the cemetery and told God out loud that I gave up and that I was giving everything up to Him-He had obviously been trying to tell me somthing that night and when I followed Him I felt right. He knows. And He has a plan. And so I am following blindly. The other thing that has influenced me in this change has been the people in my life. I have lost some friends this year. But I have gained so much more. I no longer want to be fake and play the game just for my social life's sake. I don't want to hang out with people who's biggest excitement in life is the party they went to Friday night and the latest episode of whatever shows are popular these days. I want to surround myself with people who I can learn from and who challenge me. Peopl who are and who have walked the same journey that I am walking-or at least one headed in the same direction. I have been able to be with some incredible people this past semester. They have taught, pushed, challenged, listened, advised, cared, and loved me. The lessons I have learned and the new perspectives they have brought into my life are incredible-the effects of which I am only beginning to feel. These incredible people exhilarate me and I cherish every moment with them dearly. So BE the change has taken on a new meaning from when I got it tattooed on my foot four months ago. It means just that. The change that I wish to see in the world has to come from myself. I need to become the change. I need to become what I was before trying to foster and create. By changing myself, other people can see that and and be influenced by the change that I have created in myself-by the person that I will become. As with any change, it has to start small and I have only just begun my journey. But I know that I was put here with a role-I have a part to play and God will take me there. And so my journey begins-right alongside the coming of the new year comes a new chapter in my life. I have so many experiences headed my way. The first being the start of a new semester. I have an opportunity this semester for immesnse personal growth (in my spirituality, my friendships, my character, personality, family life, etc). I have an opportunity to surround myself with these wonderful people once again (give or take a few) and to learn all I can from them while I am here and I have the chance. I have a list of goals and things to accomplish this semester in all of these areas. I have a direction in which to start proceeding-one that leads me towards the person I want to be. I want to make time this semester for all of this. I want to make time for discernment, thought, reflection, learning, prayer, and so many other things. This summer I will be somewhere in the U.S. facilitating mission trips for middle school and high school youth. I will be in an urban setting working to coordinate different sites like soup kitchens, homeless shelters, food shelves, nursing homes, etc and bring these kids who come to these places and hopefully influence them the way that my own experiences were influenced when I went on these very trips. I can't wait to be the hands and feet of God and to do His work. I can't wait to meet all of the people I will meet and to grow in my faith even more. this summer will be a challenge for me and I'm sure an expereience I will never forget. I haven't given much thought to it though. There has been no imagining what it will be like beyond unforgettable. This is becuase I don't want to go into this with any expectations. I just want to go and to be. I want to let what happens happen and I want to remain open-mind and heart-to whatever God has in store for me. So beyond excitement and prayer, I don't think about it much. Then comes the big one. I am going to study in Africa for a year. An entire year. I will be in Kenya at the Catholic University of Eastern Africa just outside Nairobi. I will be taking a few classes and doing an internship to fulfill my requirement for my Peace Studies major. I wanto to volunteer in Kibera, the second largest slum in Africa. I want to travel while I'm there. I swear I'm getting into Sudan. I want to get to know the people and learn all I can bout them, their stories, their culture, and their way of life. Then I will be in Uganda with my host family that I stayed with last summer when I was there. I can't wait to see everyone again and to go back to that orphanage and see my kids. I love those kids and I think and pray for them every day. Then I will be in Port Elizabeth, South Africa taking classes at the Nelson Mandela Metropolitan University. I will also hopefully be volunteering and learning as much as I can about the people and the culture. After that, I'll most likely end up back at CSB finishing my senior year and freaking out about my thesis that looms in order to graduate with a Political Science degree. Then, who knows? I can do anything. A friend of mine and I were on a walk a while back and I was asked why I wanted to go to Africa for a year. "Was it just to go back?" I was taken aback by this question. So many people know that I love Africa-that's just me they think. But not many, if any, people have taken the time to listen to why I am so passionate and why I want to go. I stammered through a response. And it is a question I have often revisited these past weeks. And the answer I keep coming up with is because my heart has been telling me for the past ten years or so that I was meant to be the hands and feet of God and to serve others. For the past four or five years, my heart has told m e unfailingly that the place I need to be is in Africa. Lately my heart has been telling me that I was meant to live my life simply and that there are things in the world that I need to witness-not necessarily only in Africa. Looking back over my short life, the signs and patterns are all there-I was always meant for these things and this life. God has chosen to reveal His plans for me slowly, over time. I'm sure that there is more to come. So I really have no concrete answer for why I want to spend a year in Africa. I just know in my heart that God has a plan for me there. he is sending me on this journey for a reason. I can't wait to find out what. Another friend asked me recently if I was "happy." I had been telling her all about the changes and the growth I had seen in myself that semester and the effects that was having on my life at school. Including on my relationships with my peers and with her. I feel out of place and like I don't really 'fit' anymore at CSB. Like I have grown out of it almost. It is a truly frustrating feeling to love the path that you are walking and to be exhilarated by the direction you are heading but at the same time to be heading in the opposite direction from all that you have known and loved. I feel like I have changed so much in such a short time this semester and I never really stopped and looked back. All of a sudden I was somewhere and I had so much behind me. I realized that I was ok with most of what I had left behind, but that I needed some things. There was a sadness with all of these realizations, but I did realize that I was incredibly happy with where I was going and the changes I am making. I am so happy to be shedding all of my 'skins' and to be becoming who I truly was meant to be. I am happy that I am making all of these changes and that I am working so hard to become a better person. The sadness was simple grief over what I had to give up to begin the journey. But I'm so much happier. Well gosh. I supoose I did have something to say after all. These are just ramblings of course. It's where I'm at right now, in this moment. I do find that I often wake up the next day and completely change my views or ways of thinking about something. :-) So my next blog may be very different and completely contradict this one. But hey, it's my journey and I reserve that right...